Something Wicked This Way Comes

They are at it again… building things just to tear them down. Twisted spirals into oblivion. Wasteland as far as the eye can see. If I had a soapbox I think I would stand on it just to get a look around, maybe pick some of the glass out of my skin. Much of it has healed over. The glass is still under there writhing against muscle and bone.

It is days like today that I wish I had stayed in the pit built for just me. Yes the glass will shred the skin and warmth will trickle down my back in an almost comforting way. Yes I know that it is blood just as I know when I look up and out there will be only oil slicked darkness above and a chasm that I have never found the end of below. Sometimes I wonder how deep it is down there, how dark, and how comforting that darkness will be once I settle down into it impaled on spikes meant to do the damage that will leave me pinned and writhing but not dead. There are hundreds of places they can slide right through and not kill me.

I wonder what the blood would look like as it slipped down the spikes soaking the dirt floor. Or maybe the floor is shards of glass too… in which case the blood on it would shine in the iridescent light. At times I wonder if those are the patterns that the architects follow when they build or if it is just something that they pick out of my dreams.

Look Closely
Look Closely

You know there is no such thing as monsters

I want to know why my heart beats faster. What causes the tightness in my chest when I see certain things. They aren’t the things that you would ordinarily have this feeling for. I want to live in a dream. Not a particularly pleasant dream but a dream none the less. I know this is not normal and I know that I like the wrong things and it is not healthy, the constant desire to escape into something that is both infinitely worse and infinitely better. You see, the things in my dreams make grown men scream and these are not even the nightmares. I want to feel them, touch them break through the boundary, the thin veil that separates this reality from the next. No I am not talking about death I am talking about the feeling you get when you walk into a dark room and are reaching for the light switch… You know that feeling like there is something standing just inside the door waiting for you to touch your hand to its cold dead one because its hand is on the switch too. The sigh of relief you let out suddenly realizing you are holding your breath as your fingers flip that switch and light floods the room scaring all of the things that live in the dark back into the shadows. Secretly you are grateful as you admonish yourself for being uneasy because you know there is no such thing as monsters. I do the same thing only I would rather touch that cold hand covering the switch than have light flood the room. I would rather be invited across that veil just to see what is real.


Just Don’t

There are so many things that are so wrong. Broken promises, shattered dreams, things laid bare until all there is, is a fractured mind and fragmented soul. How is it that it is that easy for you to break a promise? How is it that easy for you to forget what was done and what was asked of you, what you offered? It wouldn’t matter but you offered and then decided that it wasn’t worth keeping the promise. Then you ask why I am upset and you say that you love me. Does love feel like this? I have done everything you have ever asked of me and you haven’t done anything that you offered to do for me. It is rapidly coming undone, unraveling like an old sweater worn to long, and all you have to say is why?

Bound and Broken
Bound and Broken

It is Always 1:30 in the Morning

It is always 1:30 in the morning that my mind goes to you. Sleeping or awake it doesn’t seem to matter. It is always 1:30 when for some reason my mind is laid bare and things that shouldn’t be there creep into my head. Things that are wrong, immoral, and painful in so many ways. I know you’ve forgotten that I KNOW you. Above all I know things that make you want to scream because they are as much a part of me they are of you.

I don’t talk to you about it. I don’t think about it until it is 1:30 in the morning and my chest tightens and tears of something unnameable want to slide from my eyes. Every sigh, every moan, every scream rushes back to me pressing down until I feel something inside me die. Something I forgot was barely clinging to life since the last time the sickle slid through it. It writhes in agony and quiets as I wake whether from a dream or from my thoughts. Until it is 1:30 in the morning again and it lives there inside me like a whole other creature whose heart beats in time with mine even though both are bleeding.

lonely death

I am not the artist. If anyone does know the artist I will be perfectly happy to give them full credit for the photo. It is a piece of phenomenal artwork that seems to express my feeling very well.

Ah lets see christmas

Yeah, good will toward men, piece on earth, blah, blah, blah. The accepted opinion of thousands like so many others seems to just give rise to overspending and over indulgence. While this is the happiest time of year for many thousands commit suicide each year on December 24th and 25th. Why would someone do such a thing on such a happy celebrated holiday.


And about a hundred other reasons that would take much too long to post. I wonder how many people watch the world around them and shake their heads no longer wanting to be a part of it, particularly at this time of year. Holidays are when most families fight, most abuse and divorce happen right after the holidays, and many families go without a Christmas at all.

I have a challenge that I have made public on many occasions. Since this is a time of religion and a christian religious holiday I thought that I would make it public or at least public to those who read this. If there are angels out there think about what they would be. One hand raised to heaven and one wing dipped in blood. Angels were gods vengeance for the most part. If they exist on earth why do they not show themselves who beg for them.

Demons for demons on the other hand I offer the same challenge. If they exist on earth then why not show themselves. We have both who wish this public appearance from both camps. Some say the already have. I have asked many times to be shown what is behind the veil. Not for proof but just to see what history, mythology, and religion have gotten right and wrong.

Well suicides go to hell so I am fairly certain I will meet one soon enough. I just wish it were under better circumstances 🙂

The picture is Luis Royo from his fantasy art collection. For some reason I can’t stop staring at them and wondering what it would be like to see one of them.

Angel holding Demon
Angel holding Demon

Practicing Work Avoidance

The practice of work avoidance is when you know you should be working. You are sure of it because there are deadlines to be met and things to do yet you just can’t bring yourself to do it. Everything in your mind is screaming that you should be working but when you sit down to actually work nothing happens. So you go back to what ever you were doing. In my case it is reading things that most would never even think to look at and writing this so I don’t feel like I have accomplished nothing.

Does anyone else do this or is it just me?


Mirror Image


Differences between what others see and how we see ourselves.
Not my art – if I knew who did it I would most certainly give them credit.

This reminded me of a graphic novel I once read. The series is called the Sandman and one of the best in it is called Death the High Cost of Living. I find it even more ironic because one of the main artists for it killed himself not long after it was published.

Schizophrenic Architects At It Again

You ever have one of those days where you knew you should have swallowed the entire bottle of sleeping pills the night before. Seriously wake up wondering why your life has suddenly been rewritten by a mind more insane than yours. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought well… at least I know what to expect…

This however is not the case. Of course not because that isn’t how life works or at least not this life.

Here’s a personal ad for you

Well built single white female seeks knight in shining armor or homicidal maniac. Note if you are the latter please do it quickly and skip the monologue. You won’t get caught, you don’t even have to dispose of the body. If you are the former just rescue me, the armor doesn’t even need to be all that shiny.

Ok so single white female seeks knight in slightly tarnished armor that knows a homicidal maniac who is willing to kill her after said knight breaks her into itty bitty pieces…

Ok so single white female seeks knight armor optional and homicidal maniac for a threesome – what happens from there is of little concern as long as the ending is final and they agree to dispose of the body in a shallow grave where it will be found by unsuspecting tourists preferably with small children who will be forever scarred or the highlight on show and tell day.

Kill me already just get it over with.



Alarm goes off… find alarm…crack an eye open find alarm clock.

Realize you just tried to hit the sleep button on the dog

Roll the dog over find out why the dog is ringing – phone is under her (Think whenever you can’t find something check under the dog) Put phone is sleep mode.

Alarm goes off again – repeat scenario above only this time turn the alarm off.

Wonder why it is so cold – realize the blanket is under the dog.

Think screw it stumble to the living room grab blanket off the couch go back to bed with blanket.

Realize that it is hot, kick blanket off. Realize that I am now cold because I’ve fallen asleep again.

Turn over look at the dog and find new blanket under the dog


Swing legs off bed because keeping covers seems to be impossible.

Realize that floor is freezing.

Go to kitchen, put water in the coffee maker remember I forgot to get milk. Fumble with the filter, try to keep eyes open to get just one filter. Put filter sort of straight in coffee maker.

Turn coffee maker on – wonder why everything is blurry – realize I haven’t put my glasses on.

Go back to bedroom get glasses.

Put glasses on look longingly at the bed. Shake head.

Hear coffee maker making strange noises go to the coffee maker realize I haven’t closed it.

Realize I haven’t put any coffee in it.

Put coffee in and realize something is vaguely wrong stand at sink trying to catch the thought

Remember that there still is no milk

Pour coffee… trip over dog… wonder vaguely why the dog is following me around.

Realize that I haven’t fed the dog … set the coffee down forgetting the milk problem.

Put food in dog bowl, realize that it is cat food. Pour cat food back put dog food in the bowl and set it on the counter next to coffee.

Realize that I forgot to get cream.

Open fridge look just in case some magically appeared  of course it hasn’t– decide that whipped cream is just as good.

Put whipped cream in coffee, stir taste, realize that it doesn’t taste that bad. Stand there trying to catch the thought I was forgetting, turn around and trip over dog.

Mumble something vaguely obscene as hot coffee splashes on hand.

Go back to coffee maker – stare at it

Wonder vaguely why I am cold realize I haven’t put any clothing on.

Go back to bedroom look longingly at the bed.

Get whatever is in bag, already knowing finding something that matches is hopeless, realize that I need to do laundry.  Consider doing laundry nix the idea clean clothes are there just not matching ones.

Put shirt on, put pants on dig for socks find Christmas socks, shrug, put them on.

Hear dog making grumbling noises – realize you have left the dog food bowl with food in it on counter. Put dog food on floor for dog.

Drink coffee – pour another cup realize there is cream…

Realize a swim would be better – Take off clothes and swim  see the neighbor, wave, remember that I swim naked. She waves back because she knows that I swim naked. Ignore neighbors stare and get out of pool.

Realize I have forgotten a towel, walk into house dripping on wood floor and carpet. Slide and fall because there is no wet floor sign

Remember that I was the one that made it wet, realize I am cold and wet. Sigh go to bedroom and get clothing. Put shirt on backwards and inside out. Correct the backwards part shrug take shirt off again putting it on the right way. Decide the whole thing isn’t worth it and go back to bed.

So that was my morning how was yours.