Like the title says I think I might just have figured it out. Yes, this would seem simply to anyone but me but I realized that I gave everyone everything until I had nothing left. I can’t walk away from things right now because things are going to kill me, but it will kill my family first. It has already killed all of the relationships I have and there are several that are rapidly deteriorating. I tried to get some help and ended up sitting for two days in a room with a bunch of other people watching the paint peel off the walls.

To anyone out there who paints mental health facilities…. BABY SHIT BROWN IS HORRIBLE TO BEGIN WITH BUT STARING AT IT 24 HOURS A DAY WILL DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD. The phrase “Maybe you will get some help,” or “I thought it would help you,” came out of people’s mouths multiple time during this. It was one of the most unhelpful things. It ruined my current relationship which was just getting back on track and convinced me that I can’t be in a relationship ever. Never going to get close to someone, sex is one thing but I have to learn not to show them who I actually am.

I can’t believe the only person I have let close to me now hates me because I am broken. Just a discarded toy that was played with too hard and snapped. No more winding up he wound me too tight and the spring broke. It hurts to have someone not wanting anything to do with you because you are sick and broken. They hurt you worse by trying to back away slowly than they do just getting angry and telling you to fuck off.

This hurts so incredibly bad but I made a decision when I was sick that I didn’t want him any more. Now all that can be done is to pick up my cloths and truck and never speak to him again. Then there is getting over him personally. Every time we think of something that we used to do or just hiding in his arms it kills more of me inside but that is just crushing the rest of the broken toy that I am.

He was angry with me – I was in full meltdown mode and he was angry with me. Why what was the reason for his anger – not protective instinct for me or being scared for me – but for him and his family and what they said about me. Oh well I will get over it or I won’t either way I won’t have feel used by him or but it is crushing me right now. Things were actually getting better between us and I could always say at least he would stand behind me. But I guess not.

Be with Someone
Be with someone who won’t stay mad at you,
Be with Someone who can’t stand not talking to you,
And be with someone who is afraid of losing you.

I thought I had found that person but I guess not.

One thought on “Holy Shit I Think I Figured it Out

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