Public Stigma and Reasons for Hiding

I speak often of the depression I suffer from. Sometimes it is in graphically descriptive terms as many of my posts are and other times it is plainly as this post is shaping up to be. I recently went very public to friends and family with the problems I experience with depression.

That was a very large mistake. Instead of being able to be more open I have had to hide more. I cannot use phrases like help, sick, hospital, or state that I am not feeling well without a paranoid lets call in the nice young men in little white coats reaction. Frankly I am considering moving, changing my name, severing the support system I thought was in place (turns on those I relied on were worse than those that I ran from), and going somewhere so big no one will know me or care as I slowly degrade and bring myself back up again. This is because I am the only one who can, help would be nice, someone to talk to would be nice but not worth the fallout of being honest with people close to you.

When I began this I talked about when to call an ambulance and when not to. Unfortunately no one seemed to listen lol. Let me rephrase what I said at the beginning, unless I am bleeding out don’t call the ambulance. Calling can, will, and did ruin my life.

unknown

Advertisements

About Killingdanse

I am the girl that was pretty but too smart. I am the girl that you sat and discussed horror movies, sci-fi novels, and molecular genetics with but were scared of because sometimes you saw the darkness peak out from inside me.
This entry was posted in Broken, Dying, Work and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Public Stigma and Reasons for Hiding

  1. summerstommy2 says:

    I can understand your desire to re build yourself. It is so destroying when you realize that the ones you thought or even wished would support you are doing the exact opposite.
    I also understand that you are the one ultimately who will control your destiny.
    I think you have to do what you believe is best for you.
    If that means moving then give it a go and see what happens.
    But you should never lose sight of who you are and want to be.
    As you say you are a smart person.
    Smart people are informed.
    Controlling our lives is a day in day out struggle.

    I will stop now. I have heard what you are saying.
    Good luck, my best wishes go with you.

  2. summerstommy2 says:

    I have been further thinking to your post.
    You are asking for what we all crave: to be listened to, without judgement and to be loved.
    I haven’t achieved it yet either.
    Most prospective partners I think I frighten off, can you imagine it??
    Take care

    • Killingdanse says:

      Yes that is what happens to me. I have an early post where it mentions that I have told guys up front that I am crazy. They never actually believe me until they truly see me. Then they get mad because I am really and truly crazy. Not psychotic or sociopathic but it could turn into that really quick. It is like they miss the whole I am crazy part of the conversation until it becomes inconvenient for them. LOL. I am always wondering what they thought that meant right up until they decide that I was telling the truth. Then they always look at me and say… you’re (fill in the correct word for completely bonkers). I always reply “well I did say that at the beginning of the relationship.” Then they just look at me like I am well… ummm crazy.

  3. Jesus…
    I ran 17 years ago…never looked back.
    I don’t know you, but I know enough. I am here for you.

  4. Cool fucking pic btw 😀

  5. prayingforoneday says:

    Please read here..
    You (We) are never done till we are done.
    You are here talking, you just need to type it away. Think it away.
    I tried to take my life a few times as I felt pointless, I felt I was a waste of space…

    Please, find positive things..
    And keep sharing…. Please!
    x

    • Killingdanse says:

      Thank you, although most of my stuff is not positive it does sometimes help someone which is why I do it. I am just graphically remembering why I choose to live apart from my friends and family on this coast. They just don’t get it.

      • prayingforoneday says:

        At least some do, I do…Many others do.
        Way I look at family is, even though they are blood, if they cause me to get angry, depressed, whatever, they leave my life..
        It is hard, but you need to look out for you pal..

        x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s