To my regular readers this will not make sense but it is something that I have to get out. There is more to it than this but as always I find myself trying to explain a feeling to someone who won’t read this. Sometimes I just have to let the crazy spill out onto the page.
You looked at me strangely when I said that I knew already. You were my cat, my beautiful one that I could never hope to touch. I am pathetically grateful that you let me in your life at all even if it was for a short period of time. I see past the front that you present. I already knew that I didn’t deserve to be anywhere near you.
I could watch you move for hours, doing even the simplest of things. I could study you memorizing the movement of muscle underneath skin. I am sad that I thought for a second that I could share your light even though I knew I couldn’t. I might have given you anything even though I knew you would never ask. I knew you could never want me, the strange little girl that was uncomfortable in her own skin. I was sweet and innocent in thinking that you would ever want me.
You never realized that I didn’t want anything from you. I would have been content for you to use me in any way that you wished. I would have taken anything that you felt like giving even if it was just a moment to relieve the boredom. I look at you and don’t understand how you could not know what you are. You just don’t see yourself as I do.
I asked you once what you wanted. It is unfortunate that you said nothing, it wouldn’t bother me as much if you wanted something anything. Yes I know it is pathetic. You were different and you don’t see it. Not that I think you could ever want me. I offered but I don’t think that you realized that I offered everything asking for nothing in return. You discarded me which was all right and okay. You will never know because I can’t tell you, you would scoff and laugh at me. I watched you for so long and every once in a while you let me into your world.
I let you spoil what was me. I let you teach me and when I took to what you were teaching I think I might have scared you. Then when I saw you again so many years later I was surprised that you thought you saw me more than you did. I was surprised that you even wanted anything from me. I would have been content to watch you work or draw or breath. You never realized the entire time I was watching you and happy just to do that. I am fascinated by the way that you move, the ripple of muscles underneath skin. I could watch you for hours.
But you will never know that. I really just want to know you, to be there for you, to be a friend, or to know what you want even if it is nothing. I know this doesn’t make sense and that you will never read it. I don’t think you know what it is like not to want anything from someone except to feel, watch, and protect.
We never talked about what I am and you never knew that I can feel you. Not just when I reach out and brush the warm of your body, feeding off it but all of the mood changes when you are near. Being this close would hurt if I didn’t except who you were and the fact that hurt is what you do so well.
Know that I have never met anyone as beautiful as you. With rare exception I have never been drawn to touch someone as I am you. I know it doesn’t make sense but you quiet the voices in my head. They are calm and peaceful around you. I don’t know what it is about you but you make me react.
I was so young when I first touched you, I knew nothing of what I am. It left an impression a connection I am not sure how. No one has ever left that mark on me so completely. I knew I was never good enough for you just as I knew that my darkness would just spoil your light even if I just wanted to sit and watch you for just a little while. What is said is that you will never read this and I will be mad long before I have the courage to tell you.
Why are you killing me? I really want to know. Since when is I love you code for I just want to use you to watch my house, dogs, my family, and oh by the way everyone hates you. It means bend you until you break into tiny glistening pieces so convoluted that they cannot be put back together again. Some of them just dust that is slipping away in the wind.
I thought you would protect me, keep me safe from harm, I thought I could bury myself inside you while you buried yourself inside me. That the connection went beyond the physical but you used my mind like you used my body raping both of them with regular frequency. I have been through true rape that did less damage than you managed just by your callousness, by not being there when I needed you most. You weren’t there to catch me when I fell and I fell so fucking hard that I shattered.
I remember you inside me, your heart beat against mine. You hold my hands in yours in a grip that would be painful had your body not been moving on mine in such a wickedly delicious way. You use my hands as leverage to create even more powerful thrusts pushing yourself into me further until it is almost too much almost unbearable. Almost… My hips arch to meet yours as my back straining to let you all the way in. Gripping and gasping as the excitement builds and coils until you explode. Looking up at you I remember seeing you shattered, blown apart, your eyes blown with lust and excitement. A shiver rocks your entire body and I feel it through mine. I am scared for a moment that the power is too much for you to handle. At that moment you are glowing and I could believe that you loved me absolutely and completely.
Not sure how this happens. There have been many times in writing this I have had to come out and tell you my lovely reader that I am insane. I am not sure how I got this way although I am sure I will figure it out someday. For now lets be content with just the fact that I recognize my insanity and am ok with it.
That being said – I tend to be up front and completely honest about exactly how off my rocker I am, this is a rocker with only one blade and the only way it is still up right is the fact that the blade is actually insanely sharp and has scarred its way into the wood, pushing into it allowing the planks to surround it and hold it tightly as it expands and contracts rocking gently into the groove its made. No imagery there what so ever. None I swear.
Just as I am blatantly honest about being crazy here I am the same way in the real world. I believe in warning people in advance that I am completely insane most of the time. It is unreal how many have come back to my after things went south and have said you know you’re crazy…. my response is always the same. “I told you I was crazy – more than a couple of steaks shy of a bushel (which is bad because steaks don’t come in a bushel) you didn’t believe me? Did you think I was lying about that?” Sheesh…why don’t they ever believe me when I tell them.
I once said that I felt so strongly that I wanted to be as close as possible to them. You know inside them… but that is for another post.
For those of you that don’t read me often I am normally absorbed with my own insanity and literal falling to pieces.
Today I actually have a reason to scream yell rant and use strong language
My father is a World War II VET. It absolutely disgusts me that the VA is uncooperative in getting him the most basic care.
As a highly decorated officer (by that I mean two purple hearts two silver stars, and two bronze stars among others) he was disabled during WWII. This stopped him from a prominent baseball career (he was being scouted by the Yankees when patriotic duty took over and he signed at 16 with his fathers permission). It also stopped him from doing a lot of things in his life. Not that he has not lived a full one and accomplished a lot.
I am so completely dismayed, disappointed, and disgusted that the VA (veteran’s affairs) office has seen it so easy to blow my father off. I called them 18 times with no response. Finally while calling their national number I finally got in touch with a patient advocate who hopefully call me back. As I said hopefully… I can’t believe that one of their oldest veterans is treated so badly.
He needs help. His family needs help and I can’t get them to return a freaking phone call. Grrr sorry I will stop ranting now… This is how we treat our proud service members.
Yeah, good will toward men, piece on earth, blah, blah, blah. The accepted opinion of thousands like so many others seems to just give rise to overspending and over indulgence. While this is the happiest time of year for many thousands commit suicide each year on December 24th and 25th. Why would someone do such a thing on such a happy celebrated holiday.
And about a hundred other reasons that would take much too long to post. I wonder how many people watch the world around them and shake their heads no longer wanting to be a part of it, particularly at this time of year. Holidays are when most families fight, most abuse and divorce happen right after the holidays, and many families go without a Christmas at all.
I have a challenge that I have made public on many occasions. Since this is a time of religion and a christian religious holiday I thought that I would make it public or at least public to those who read this. If there are angels out there think about what they would be. One hand raised to heaven and one wing dipped in blood. Angels were gods vengeance for the most part. If they exist on earth why do they not show themselves who beg for them.
Demons for demons on the other hand I offer the same challenge. If they exist on earth then why not show themselves. We have both who wish this public appearance from both camps. Some say the already have. I have asked many times to be shown what is behind the veil. Not for proof but just to see what history, mythology, and religion have gotten right and wrong.
Well suicides go to hell so I am fairly certain I will meet one soon enough. I just wish it were under better circumstances 🙂
The picture is Luis Royo from his fantasy art collection. For some reason I can’t stop staring at them and wondering what it would be like to see one of them.