Posted on by Killingdanse

Sometimes at Night

It sounds strange but the Russian roulette of  my emotions for you get the better of me. It’s funny that I need physical sensation to remember the act of dying. I sit trying to put it into words but there are none really. None that matter at least. The cold metal barrel and the soft beckoning taste of gunpowder always astound me. It isn’t like anything I have felt before. It is good to remember how to feel at least. It’s like trying to catch a dream.

I know I can do it even if this doesn’t make much sense. I remember what it was like but I there is a block there when I get to how it is supposed to feel. The familiar ache is gone but it has left something infinitely more horrible behind. Everything is so much quieter now so much more peaceful which makes it all the more devastating. I would do anything to get me back. Anything to break this silence.

 

How do you say to people that something is wrong… no I mean really really wrong like horribly deadly carving yourself up into little itty bitty pieces wrong?

And here for those of you who like them are nifty pictures.

61011 61019 61851 62210 62212 62221 62271 62309 62372 62377 62434 62564 62663 63636 64063 64858 65472 Capture (1) Suicide zombie-apacolypse-is-upon-us

Posted on by Killingdanse · 2 Comments

The Clowns are chewing away in the most painfully unpleasant fashion

A hate has been rising up in me. It started as a slow burn that only twinged a little bit. You know the feeling when you see, do, or have done to you something that is only slightly unjust. It can be pried out of you with a kind word or happy thought. If it is not excised it continues to grow into a burning, a torturous heat with hard edge. It can still be cut from your heart by pure unadulterated lust and the wonderfully rough sex that comes with it. The kind of physical contact that leaves you sore and aching in the morning because you both have taken the hate out on each other and are better for it. This is the kind of fucking that most people only engage in once or twice and think that it is adventurous. The kind where the participants have no idea how close they’ve come to tearing each other apart.

It wandered into the territory of a bright flame as it grew. The hard edge to it becoming a bludgeon working further into my soul. Twisting into it like something wrong and painful. Although much harder to do because the edges of the heart are torn and bruised it can still be torn from the body, but only by using another as you are used in a visceral meeting of the two sexes. The kind of fucking that not many know and others think they’ve gone insane to engage in. The kind where you rip into the other person taking pain and pleasure instead of just giving it.

Then it turned to a roaring fire as it continued to grow. The edge to it is no longer hard but sharp as it shreds the heart piercing the soul before pulling out again only to ram back in. The only way to extinguish it is bloody and painful and kept quiet in the dark.

Finally the flames of the fire turned dark as it consumed me until it wasn’t a fire at all anymore just a burning hatred that echoes up from my eviscerated soul. A wealth of it pours off of me causing even the most oblivious of people to shy away. A darkness so deep and black that to rip it from me would tear apart what little is left. So entwined in what is me it would pull out my very soul. Still it burns deep inside leaving bladed teeth marks wherever it touches.

creepy-clown-monster-face

Posted on by Killingdanse · 4 Comments

The most twisted ridiculous conversation possible… Yeah I am completely crazy

This is a quoted conversation from my ex who I am going to actually have to evict – I am WAY too nice.

It is important to note that I never once cried over this break up. I never once felt sorry that I no longer wanted a life with him. Most of all I was as nice as possible, let him live in my home, and tried to be his friend. He moved out for a long while lived with two other people and a condition of letting him come back and stay for a while so he wouldn’t be homeless was that he get a job (he hasn’t for 5 or 6 years now) and he leave when I asked him among other things.

3:05:33 AM killingdanse: Hey you awake?
3:15:29 AM pinebrk: barely whats up
3:15:49 AM killingdanse: Everything go all right (I paid 225 dollars to send him to a court appearance so he would not get arrested)
3:18:07 AM pinebrk: yes i paid the cab fare and worked on the car i have here did the brakes and now i have to change out the power steering pump and the front main seal
3:18:37 AM pinebrk: thank you for helping me
3:19:02 AM

pinebrk: tired long day
3:19:14 AM killingdanse: Ok I understand you need the money but you are NOT turning my home into a garage
3:19:34 AM pinebrk: im woorking on one car ok
3:19:44 AM pinebrk: dont get me riled now
3:19:54 AM killingdanse: LOL
3:20:41 AM killingdanse: I am getting rid of dead weight in my life and unless you want to join the people who belong to that group I would ask that you tread carefully (really don’t want to leave him homeless)
3:21:33 AM pinebrk: well according to you im already there
3:22:00 AM killingdanse: You are really close
3:22:44 AM killingdanse: So simple ground rules assuming you want to have a home until I get back
3:22:56 AM pinebrk: k im just trying to get it si i dont go to jail i already have 140 of the 5 hun put up as of right now ( he needs 500 by september to keep him out of jail)
3:23:45 AM killingdanse: Will you be ok with keeping that and not spending it if it is there?
3:25:07 AM pinebrk: i still have 250 coming and then i will give it to you cause if i have it and need it i will spend it
3:25:57 AM killingdanse: That is why I asked
3:26:04 AM pinebrk: im sorry im just being honest
3:26:15 AM killingdanse: I know you that is why I asked remember
3:26:48 AM killingdanse: I understand I am similar which is why I have my account set up the way I do
3:27:05 AM pinebrk: so what is it thatyou are asking me to do
3:28:05 AM killingdanse: Not asking you to do it (doing it is up to you) asking you if you wanted me to put it up so you couldn’t spend it until you had the 500 and paid the court ( At this point I am offering to help him)
3:32:10 AM killingdanse: Are you still there
3:32:22 AM pinebrk: yes im here
3:32:49 AM pinebrk: and i guess i fucked up 2nite i spent some money
3:33:24 AM killingdanse: Look I don’t care what you do with your money
3:34:05 AM killingdanse: I know you are not working and I know you can’t pay rent (a fact which drives me crazy and I wish you could pay your own bills) but it is life (I have been paying his bills for years now again I just didn’t want him to be homeless)
3:34:18 AM pinebrk: tell me if i was wrong for buying what i did
3:34:39 AM killingdanse: I have no idea what you bought nor do I care at this moment
3:34:53 AM pinebrk: k ill talk to you lateer
3:35:09 AM killingdanse: Sigh
3:35:18 AM killingdanse: wtf are you talking about
3:35:45 AM pinebrk: i guess nothing you dont care
3:36:39 AM killingdanse: Unless they are cigarettes and you are sitting there smoking in my house I really don’t care what you spent money on… sorry but if you expected me to be upset I just don’t have it in me
3:37:18 AM pinebrk: it wasnt cigs
3:37:33 AM killingdanse: Ok then I don’t see why we are discussing it
3:38:17 AM pinebrk: i just wanted to see if what i bought was justified in your eyes
3:38:28 AM killingdanse: They why didn’t you just ask
3:38:43 AM killingdanse: Can’t tell you if it is justified because I don’t know what it is
3:39:26 AM killingdanse: and the whole reason why I wanted to talk to you tonight is what is going to happen in the near future
3:39:29 AM pinebrk: i went out and bought me a new pair of boots and a bag of socks
3:39:49 AM pinebrk: what is going to happen
3:40:16 AM killingdanse: Through a contractor or through you the house is going to be changing (Doesn’t work out any cheaper but just justifies letting him stay – I know I am psychotic)
3:40:55 AM killingdanse: Whether or not you stay is up to you following a few ground rules because I literally can’t take it if you don’t
3:49:19 AM killingdanse: sigh
3:51:13 AM pinebrk: i want to stay and whqat ruules
3:51:39 AM killingdanse: If I catch you smoking in the house or it smells like smoke when I get up there both of you are out (Don’t mind if people smoke, don’t mind smokers, don’t mind if he smokes outside, can’t stand the smell in my house)
3:52:09 AM killingdanse: If I have you do the work and you don
3:52:40 AM

killingdanse: don’t finish it by the time we agree on (barring something unusual happening such as a job sickness etc)
3:53:01 AM killingdanse: 1st time you don’t get paid – second time you are moving
3:53:46 AM killingdanse: If I hear you calling me your girlfriend or someone else tells me that you said it I will flip the fuck out
3:54:10 AM killingdanse: (My recent history in a mental ward is pretty much proof of exactly how close to an edge I am) (I actually feel myself falling and after this conversation my chest hurt and I was short of breath)
3:54:33 AM pinebrk: well then you better flip ythe fuck out (Yes he really just said he doesn’t care if I end up in a hospital mental or otherwise HOLY SHIT)
3:54:43 AM pinebrk: im going mto bed night
3:56:39 AM killingdanse: I see exactly how much you care for my well being and expect to be leaving shortly
3:57:21 AM killingdanse: What you just told me is that you don’t give a shit about me and that certainly doesn’t make me want to be anywhere near you much less date you (Just in case he didn’t mean or understand what he just said)
4:10:54 AM killingdanse: I am so not playing this game with you
4:10:58 AM pinebrk: no you dont se i care all to much for you and your well being and im not going anywhere
4:11:24 AM killingdanse: You will go if you do not agree… you may not like going but you will go then you will be without a place to live
4:11:37 AMkillingdanse: without any chance of getting anywhere near me again
4:12:35 AM killingdanse: I told you I am on edge and I am done with the three year old bs games with my home, a home you promised that you would leave if I asked you to
4:13:05 AM

killingdanse: a promise which you broke and I am done playing around with you
4:13:14 AM killingdanse: I broke up with you YEARS ago
Yes, I am well aware that I hurt myself by being nice and I should have done this years ago but I honestly have issues with evicting someone who is going to be homeless… or I did until this happened. I still cannot believe he would rather have me sick, upset, hurting, and a variety of other things because he won’t follow those rules. I am stunned. He would rather hurt me…
Okay so I am confounded and admittedly completely insane. He’s not a horrible guy well I didn’t think he was horrible until I found out after everything that I did for him he would rather see me hurt, broken, and sick… Holy Shit.  It is really too bad that this isn’t joking.
Randy
Posted on by Killingdanse · 6 Comments

Can anyone out there answer a question for me?

This is an open invitation to anyone who wishes to respond. Anyone floating aimlessly about the internet please take a look and give me your best guess. I implore you to help me figure this out. I don’t condemn it I just want to understand it. Ok now for the question.

Why is it that certain guys are fascinated by putting their hands in your mouth when they are fucking you from behind? I have had and have seen this in quite of places. They use your mouth like leverage pulling you back on to them. One it hurts, two I find it repulsive *note the I* This is not to say there is anything wrong with it. Some women I know find it quite enjoyable. The problem is not that I condemn it (if you’ve read anything besides this particular post you know I have stranger kinks that that) but I don’t understand it.

Is it some form of control, humiliation, or other psychological need? Or is it that it happens accidentally. I know when I am cumming I can’t be sure where my feet are much less what I am clutching in my hand. I cum particularly hard most of the time, again not a bad thing.

ok I know I said one question but my mind tends to meander when I am writing and it meandered into a darker more volatile corner of my brain. Despite popular belief cum actually does not taste bad particularly if you pay attention to your “special friend’s” diet. Yes diet can change the taste guys stay away from the dairy if you want your beneficial friend to swallow your cum.

This brings me to the question: Why on earth would you cum on a girls face rather than inside her mouth particularly if she swallows?  I know the aesthetics to it. It is a strange form of art the way each arc makes a different pattern on a man or woman’s body. Definitely fascinating once in a while but not all the time. It is not particularly pleasant to wash cum out of my hair, my ears (don’t ask), my eyes, and inside my nose (again don’t ask how it happened because I will never tell a soul about ears and noses) Besides doesn’t cumming inside feel better rather than taking matters into your own hands (yeah yeah bad pun).

Ok one more question and I promise I will stop.

Am I missing something when I assume that guys know that pornography is on video with actors and actresses? It is not real. Well the sex is real but the acting isn’t. Actually some of the sex is real while others are more acting than fucking. The positions that they occasionally put both guys and girls in to fuck are all but physically impossible to maintain for any length of time. They don’t work, hurt like hell, and girls usually don’t appreciate being put in it. I am  not talking about BDSM just vanilla sex. I am also not going to bring up the number of people who are just bad at it because it could get me into trouble.

I see this in more women then men but there is more porn featuring women than me.  part of the reason why there are a lot of fucking scenes is because most people (not all) who are in videos can’t act. Don’t get me wrong I have seen really good acting in porn and really bad acting in porn but nothing in between.

Please take the time to answer these I really don’t understand them.

On a more sober note my Stepfather and the only father I ever knew died last week. He was at home with my mother and I and he was 86 years old. He was on hospice for an extended period of time…. again a topic for another post everything is way too raw right now. I am tired and sad, and happy all rolled up into one confused package.

lonely death

Posted on by Killingdanse · 11 Comments

Strange sexual desires

I am redlining this for a reason. To all of my friends and family that may or may not be reading if you don’t like really strange and you don’t want to know things about me that are otherwise kept quiet. Come to think of it they should be kept quiet but I am going to put them here anyway. For anyone who reads this I have a question – is this too strange. Also I am on pretty much on a large amount of drugs that are supposed to make me sleep… Its quarter to four am here. Lot of good the sleep medication. All it did is make me thing about this and of course after the thought the crazy leaks out onto the page – well in this case the website.

Ok time for random strangeness.

I am a sexual creature by nature. I enjoy a vast variety of ways to play. Truth is despite my good catholic upbringing I love sex. Not just orgasm or the act itself but the sheer pleasure of being that close to someone. I will get there in a bit. First because this is rather odd – I enjoy watching gay men have sex specifically cumming and cumming hard. I don’t enjoy actually watching it. The part that I enjoy is hearing it. I am really not sure why. But it turns me on to no end which in the situation I am in is a very very bad thing. Not really bad just no viable release. Remember earlier when I said I love sex I meant to say I love sex with another person or a bunch of people. I love the type of sex where you have to count the feet and divide by two to see how many are participating. So I remain on edge and more than a little horny.

There is a bond that forms during sex. It isn’t permanent and may or may not exist after the act is completed. If that bond is there then good for you. If not move on, one night stands are not necessarily a bad thing and I have found myself saying goodbye right afterwards because I don’t want to see them in the morning… is this bad of me. Of course not I am a healthy adult with healthy desires or at least I hope they are.

As for me. I am searching for the one person who is willing to open their chest up for me and let me crawl in so that I never doubt that I am treasured. Not just loved but treasured. I want to lean up against his heart and feel it beating against my back while I count his ribs or the spots on his lungs to pass the time. I want to feel every bit of air stolen from me so that he can breath. I want to trace the lines of blood and bone with my fingers dipping it to it and hearing him gasp. I would be content in my cage made from flesh, bone, and muscle. Waiting. I want to be next to his heart so that I can run my hand along its ruby surface. Memorizing it.

Look closely it is a brilliant photo
Look closely it is a brilliant photo
Posted on by Killingdanse

Please Excuse My Rant

I am extremely disappointed in a variety of things lately. It amazes me that things like depression, suicide, and agoraphobia are still miss understood. Recently I was dragged from my home, handcuffed (not the good kind of handcuffed) and thrown into a mental facility. All for saying something that I was actually feeling. It seems I am too fucked up to talk to someone professional about what I go through every day.

I spent 48 hours staring at puke brown walls and listening to other people’s problems. Basically I was the therapist and a patient. Considering the staffing and the fear of expressing actual feelings to them overrides the ability to get help. Once you are in everything that you say can and will be used against you to make you stay in a horrid situation longer. All of this from simply seeking help for an overwhelming situation. If my life was not bad enough before this it is horrid now. Everyone I care about now looks at me as if I am crazy which admittedly I am but most of the time I am functionally crazy.

I like things that most people don’t, I mix pleasure and pain readily. I enjoy strange things and have a really hard time controlling basic impulses. I love it all there are very few things that I won’t try. My life was screwed before and all this did was ruin my relationships with my friends and family. I know I am not making sense but remember when I said there are times to call the ambulance and there are times not to. Well calling the police and being taken to a hospital in handcuffs is enough to destroy your life.

644471_512437135485497_1562960800_n

Posted on by Killingdanse · 2 Comments

Jagged

And now they can never get the timing just right. When they join together it forms a grotesque shape, all edges too sharp and dips and valleys too soft. There no sound other that a quiet gasping, because someone has always run out of air. They are so twisted and broken that they can’t even look each other in the eyes, and yet they can’t let go (don’t want to).

So every night they twist a little farther into each other. They break their souls so that the jagged pieces cut each other, the metaphor becoming so real sometimes that they will wake up with their bodies still tangled together, now slick with blood, and their mouths tasting like copper. And it’s fucking perfect.

undead but still alive

andrea-miltnerova-fractured