Apologies and obscenely happy goats

I am sorry to everyone who follows this blog. I have not posted in a while mostly because I haven’t written anything in a while. It’s funny when life gets in the way of well… life. It is not always easy to write, nor is it always good to. The changes in me caught me by surprise and it took some time to adjust. For those who know me I am still pretty much two steps from self destruction and suicide the crazy has just been calmer the last few days.

The good news is that in the process of adjusting I met someone very close to what and who I am.

The bad news is that in the process of adjusting I met someone very close to what and who I am.

Obviously I haven’t decided whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing. I think I can only wait and see what happens. It is strange and kind of wonderful to understand someone and I am still not sure that this whole thing is wise.

Hopefully I will be able to pick back up writing, I just can’t seem to find the latch inside my head that lets all of the crazy wander out and onto the page. If anyone has any ideas on how to do this I am up for just about anything.

For those who need it I give you an obscenely happy goat.

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Deviant Sexual Behavior

Yes this is a redlined post. Not for kiddies in more ways than one. It is important to remember that there is an age of consent and anything breaking that age can be very very very harmful. That being said all activities should be safe, sane, consensual, and not harmful to you or others.

Most people who know me, have read my writing, or seen any of my lectures understand that I am open about enjoying all forms of sex, adult entertainment, and all things that feel wonderful. My motto has always been if it feels good then enjoy it while you can. There is too much in this life that is damaging or hurtful to not take advantage of something that feels wonderful.

Why am I stating this again when everyone knows my stand on all things pleasurable?

Simply because there are far too many people who judge and maybe after reading this they might be a bit less likely to condemn.

I had a conversation with some friends not long ago that turned from a lighthearted discussion about blow jobs to something much darker. Dark is nothing new to me and depending on my mood I might like very very dark things done to my body and doing very very dark things in return. There were several of us talking from a variety of different backgrounds with a variety of different ideals. We had both ends of the spectrum. One of the subjects was a time honored taboo in our culture and to respect my friends I won’t get detailed. The fact was they engaged but were unsettled by what they were doing. They were wracked by guilt.

It turned out that although they felt very strong feelings of love, desire, and attraction they were hurt by the fact that the feelings existed. How many of us can control what we feel for another person? Can we simply turn off attraction, sexual desire, love?

If you ask any of my ex-boyfriends, girlfriends, or even friends they will certainly tell you that I have one hell of a time with it, hence mistakes I have made by getting back together with them. After the statement was made one person left and another I asked to leave. No matter what I can’t deal with someone who judges a person without knowing the whole story. The two that left, left because sometimes society cannot tolerate a new concept even if it doesn’t harm anyone.

Society judges that harshly.

My point is this…

If two people want to engage in something that does not harm anyone else, doesn’t harm them, and they enjoy it what is the problem? I don’t see one. What two people do in their bedroom is really seriously none of my or anyone elses business. I might not choose it for me but then again I am not in their circumstance. If I were perhaps I would.

If you look at the taboo subjects we have when it comes to sex which ones should truly be immoral or illegal. Which ones really do harm? In the case of my friends and me on occasion it is not the act that hurts it is society’s reaction to the act. There are things about me that I keep private because people look at me different when they find out. Is it just me that thinks society shouldn’t have any say in what I do privately?

If you enjoy something then enjoy it. It can be very hard when society frowns on what you are doing but you do far more damage to yourself because of it when you deny something that you enjoy. The fact that something deviant is enjoyable doesn’t hurt you, caring how people judge you will. The guilt is what destroys you not the act. Guilt is a very very powerful construct but it is a construct. It is very rarely real. I know I feel guilty over things that are not my fault all of the time.

Feeling guilty about something that hurt someone else is a good thing. Feeling guilty about something that you enjoy that doesn’t hurt anyone or feeling guilty about feeling a certain way is useless. It is a waste of energy and emotion. Feeling guilty because society, the church, or other people tell you to is just plain silly. There is nothing about sexual desire that is safe, sane, consensual, and doesn’t hurt anyone else to feel guilty about.

As long as the desire, activity, or feeling doesn’t hurt you, hurt others, and you enjoy it then why not enjoy it without worrying about what other people think. You shouldn’t feel guilty about something that is natural for you just because someone else says you should feel guilty. Guilt can kill.

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I Can Feel It

It has been a long time since I ran and came back. I thought I was done running and that the part of me that longs for solitude and anonymity was barricaded off along with the part of me that feels.

It has been a long time since I have felt myself breaking, splintering into more pieces than I knew were possible. It is not just here it is my home that I want to be away from. I said that would never happen again. Unfortunately I let someone in there that broke me further and despite repeated attempts to distance him from me without involving law enforcement have proved futile. He just doesn’t understand that what he is doing is hurting me or at least I hope he doesn’t understand.

If he does it just means he is a selfish leech who only wants to continue to live off of me like he has since I broke up with him several years ago. It is partially my fault because I felt bad for him and didn’t want him to be homeless but all I want now is to have him gone and my house back.

I never thought being nice could hurt me so bad for so long. It is very true no good deed goes unpunished and even though I have begged him to leave and stop leeching off of me it is going to take law enforcement to get him out.

How did I get myself into a situation where I want to run from my own home?

He knows it hurts, he knows what his refusal to leave does to me, how it breaks me a little bit further and still he chooses to torture me instead of simply leaving.

Randy

Public Stigma and Reasons for Hiding

I speak often of the depression I suffer from. Sometimes it is in graphically descriptive terms as many of my posts are and other times it is plainly as this post is shaping up to be. I recently went very public to friends and family with the problems I experience with depression.

That was a very large mistake. Instead of being able to be more open I have had to hide more. I cannot use phrases like help, sick, hospital, or state that I am not feeling well without a paranoid lets call in the nice young men in little white coats reaction. Frankly I am considering moving, changing my name, severing the support system I thought was in place (turns on those I relied on were worse than those that I ran from), and going somewhere so big no one will know me or care as I slowly degrade and bring myself back up again. This is because I am the only one who can, help would be nice, someone to talk to would be nice but not worth the fallout of being honest with people close to you.

When I began this I talked about when to call an ambulance and when not to. Unfortunately no one seemed to listen lol. Let me rephrase what I said at the beginning, unless I am bleeding out don’t call the ambulance. Calling can, will, and did ruin my life.

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What is Known

I know that love is hate twisted around to suit a purpose. If one thing my current circumstance has taught me it is that it is better to die fast and young than it is to live. Now I know why so many people get into prostitution and drugs. Right now I think I would do just about anything to escape.

Two of the best escapes in the world rough sex and drugs. I think I will stick to the rough sex and in some ways would make a the perfect concubine. Not so much into the whole drug experience. Can’t really deal with anything that will make me lose my grip on reality any further. It is already slipping too far beyond my grasp. I know what things should be and I know what I should do I just can’t bring myself to do it.

It is funny that I find killing myself easier than living a relatively simple life. The voices are stronger than they ever have been in the past. They whisper to me telling me what I should do and what things should be like. I am sure I could step outside and find what they are asking for. Only the knowledge that if I start doing what they tell me to do I will be lost. Since when they start realizing I am paying attention to them they will get louder and never stop talking, commanding obedience

I will trap myself inside buried deep within and withdrawn from the rest of the world. I’ve done it before and the people around me looked  into my eyes and saw nothing there. I can function for a long time like that. My body is on autopilot. I will do what ever I am told. I am almost at the point that I will do anything to not feel anymore even if it means listening to the voices and letting them be in control for a while. It just scares people when they look at me and realize that at that moment they are staring at something without a soul.

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Just When You Thought it Could Not Get Worse

It was my idea and half way through it I found myself thinking that if I didn’t already plan on not surviving in the same form I am now I probably would take myself to the nearest highest bridge and jump off. I remember when he loved me and wanted to be around me. That is what makes it so horrible it would be different if I couldn’t remember or if it wasn’t so clear. I shouldn’t have gone there, I shouldn’t have sat there talking pouring my heart out to a person made of black glass just barely see through. I just didn’t realize that it would hurt so much. It is as if at any moment I am going to look down and I will have ripped out my own still beating heart from my chest. I can almost feel the slickness of the blood that still seems to pour out of it. I did this to myself and I can’t undo it. Before I get labeled an emo chick who is screaming whoa is me what I am talking about isn’t the teenage angst that is felt because of hormones but is no less real.

I thought that people stuck by each other when they loved one another. I thought if someone hurt a person you cared about you defended them. There was a time not so long ago that I would have stepped in front of a train to save the one life that I valued above all others and for some stupid reason I thought he felt the same about me. I feel deeper than most people. Feel stronger and bond tighter to those close to me.

When all of this started I thought that he would be there for me as I was for him every time he needed me. I did not expect what happened. Now as I sit alone as usual contemplating what went wrong I realize that the embedded carnival glass is moving under my skin again. It writhes and twitches like a living thing that wants out. For all I know it is alive and is willing to do what it can to break free of its prison just as I would be willing to do almost anything to break free of mine. Almost every avenue I have out is blocked. The last one came today when I found out the person I counted on the most had friends that hated me. With each passing thought the feeling gets worse.

You know the feeling that you feel when you just want to be home with your back against the wall tucked into a corner, just waiting? Just waiting to let out everything you’ve taken in that day. Feeling both desperate and relieved because nothing is wrong but nothing is right either, you are just so tired, tired of being nothing, tired of everything and you just want someone to tell you that it is ok. But no one is going to you know that from years of being kicked when you are down because no one can fix you. Tired of wanting tired of fixing yourself and everyone around you. Just once you want it to be simple to be helped to be saved but you know that’s not going to happen?

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Ok So I am a bit more fucked up than normal

Rule number 1 Always have an exit strategy

Rule number 2 When you start to make your self think that you are crazy you probably are

Rule number 3 When you can no longer cope use the exit strategy

When pain outweighs the ability to cope then it is time not stop struggling to cope

When you want to scream scream. when you want to cry cry you know where this is heading I really am not sure that I am going to survive this.

Working From Home and Other Great Things

I know this is not my normal posting but considering I have not worked outside my home in around 10 years I wanted to say a few things.

MYTH
All work at home offers are scams

FACT
Yes, many of them scams but are easy to avoid. If any company wants you to pay money to work for them or to help you get a work at home job run away, run away fast, and run away screaming. These are scams. If it is legitimate employment service or employer they will not ask you for money to hire you. They may ask for a ton of paperwork but they will not ask you to pay them.

Another way to judge a scam is if it seems too good to be true. If it is sounds too good to be true it probably is.

If the work is legitimate then there should be a contact person, company address, and phone number – there are exceptions to this but we will get to them later.

Myth

You cannot make a living working from home.

Fact

Many people make a substantial income working from home. It is a matter of finding the right job that is not a scam. There are a lot of them out there if you know where to look. I will post a set of links below if you should want to apply.

Myth

All work from home opportunities are sales, cold calling, or phone work.

Fact

Yes, some of the work from home opportunities are for sales and phone work but there are also a lot for those who do not wish to do phone work for what ever reason. I remember one of my only call center jobs I have taken was not sales it was order verification. Most people were grateful that someone was looking after their orders and making sure that they did in fact order a product.

There are writing jobs, Q and A jobs, Consulting jobs, and many more that do not have anything to do with phone work.

Myth

You have to has some special skill or equipment to work from home.

Fact

This is not true either. If you can speak, read, and write English you are a commodity. If you can do so in more than one language it is definitely a huge plus. Most work from home companies that want writers want native speakers or those that are really proficient with the language.

Myth

Working at home is easier than working for an office.

Fact 

In some cases this might be true but in others it most definitely is not. Time management, self motivation, and a large amount of skill are required to work from home. Having your home office set up so that there are not distractions is a massive plus. Working at home is not for everyone.

Some Legitimate Work From Home Websites

http://www.ratracerebellion.com

http://www.odesk.com

http://londonbroker.com

http://www.textbroker.com

In the days / weeks to come I will expand on the many aspects of working from home. It is a godsend when you have agoraphobia. If you have any questions feel free to comment. I will be happy to answer any of them.

Yes I know this isn’t my usual type of post on here but I thought it might be good to do a public service announcement.