Memory in a Dream

Tonight is one of those nights where the nightmares are real and they just won’t stop. Where if I could bring myself to touch someone I might just want that contact. Not even the person I am currently staying with sees that I flinch away when they get too close, I haven’t looked in a mirror for years, and I don’t seem to sleep anymore. I know after seven days my fingernails will get brittle, my skin and hair will dull, and my body will begin to break down. I look at this clinically because I can no longer feel anything – the well meaning ones took care of that.

I realize in a detached way that there is something like broken glass inside me, churning around as I move. I am almost afraid that when I cough beautiful red will stain my lips and I will know that the glass is real and not something I imagined. It will bubble up and spill over looking for all the world like an over filled glass. Pouring down in the restless tide desperate to overtake ground. Just as real as the red that pours out of a thousand tiny cuts so carefully hidden from the world. Its stunning in its own way and there are people who can see that for the tragically beautiful sight it is.  The same way someone looks after everything else is done and the only thing left that they can do is cry because of its loss. There is purity in that sight unlike anything that people normally feel or witness. Just as there is purity in inflicting and receiving pain.

No one notices that the nightmares leave me screaming or that my heart beats too hard against the razor shoved carelessly and deep within it. I am surprised no one hears me break, slowly, so slowly over time.

I am waiting for the hallucinations to start. A nifty side effect that even the most hardcore drug addict would envy if they weren’t so real and so inescapable. Then they will come with their solutions, their quaint notions, and their tired cliches. Eventually they will say every thing will be alright except that it never is because they can’t see what I see. They don’t know what I know.

The blackouts have already started… some long purged defense mechanism gone haywire. Making me forget entire blocks of time because it can’t protect me from itself so it tries to protect me from everything else, even the things I don’t need protection from. Now I can’t even escape into my own world, I can just watch from afar wondering what the architects have planned.

It won’t let me rest. The cycle has gone one long enough for me to be wary of closing my eyes wondering what I will see when I do. I see it but I can’t feel it anymore and I can’t decide which is worse.


Just When You Thought it Could Not Get Worse

It was my idea and half way through it I found myself thinking that if I didn’t already plan on not surviving in the same form I am now I probably would take myself to the nearest highest bridge and jump off. I remember when he loved me and wanted to be around me. That is what makes it so horrible it would be different if I couldn’t remember or if it wasn’t so clear. I shouldn’t have gone there, I shouldn’t have sat there talking pouring my heart out to a person made of black glass just barely see through. I just didn’t realize that it would hurt so much. It is as if at any moment I am going to look down and I will have ripped out my own still beating heart from my chest. I can almost feel the slickness of the blood that still seems to pour out of it. I did this to myself and I can’t undo it. Before I get labeled an emo chick who is screaming whoa is me what I am talking about isn’t the teenage angst that is felt because of hormones but is no less real.

I thought that people stuck by each other when they loved one another. I thought if someone hurt a person you cared about you defended them. There was a time not so long ago that I would have stepped in front of a train to save the one life that I valued above all others and for some stupid reason I thought he felt the same about me. I feel deeper than most people. Feel stronger and bond tighter to those close to me.

When all of this started I thought that he would be there for me as I was for him every time he needed me. I did not expect what happened. Now as I sit alone as usual contemplating what went wrong I realize that the embedded carnival glass is moving under my skin again. It writhes and twitches like a living thing that wants out. For all I know it is alive and is willing to do what it can to break free of its prison just as I would be willing to do almost anything to break free of mine. Almost every avenue I have out is blocked. The last one came today when I found out the person I counted on the most had friends that hated me. With each passing thought the feeling gets worse.

You know the feeling that you feel when you just want to be home with your back against the wall tucked into a corner, just waiting? Just waiting to let out everything you’ve taken in that day. Feeling both desperate and relieved because nothing is wrong but nothing is right either, you are just so tired, tired of being nothing, tired of everything and you just want someone to tell you that it is ok. But no one is going to you know that from years of being kicked when you are down because no one can fix you. Tired of wanting tired of fixing yourself and everyone around you. Just once you want it to be simple to be helped to be saved but you know that’s not going to happen?


Hmm Hello There Allow Me to Introduce Myself

While reading over previous incarnations of introductions I realized that I have never actually properly introduced myself.  These are the things that I keep meaning to say but somehow get lost when I get caught up in writing. In a way I wish you could see the world as I see it. I wish I could bring you into the splendor, beauty, and horror that is where my mind lives most of the time.

I try to bring you there I really do but it doesn’t always work out really well. This is where your comments come in. Even if it was just a hey I liked that description or I hated what you wrote they tell me that someone is at least thinking about what I write. I don’t ever delete them bad or good and with the exception of racial slurs I publish them all.

  1. I am completely crazy. Just when you think I am not you will notice something else that slides its slick slippery way into my writing and therefore into your mind. Come to think of it I like the thought of part of my mind writhing somewhere wet and dark in your head.
  2. I don’t know if I enjoy being crazy although some days are better than others.
  3. I want to die

So we have an open invitation to comment, rant, yell, scream, vent, talk, whisper, or scream and you have an open invitation to participate in killing another human who wants to be killed.


What I want

I offer to let you use me in any way that you want – no request is too strange or unusual. I would love for you to do to me what pops into that wonderfully wicked brain of yours.

Ever wonder why… every wonder what I want in return. As it turns out not a whole lot. I just want to tie you down and find out what makes you scream in pleasure… and if I can’t have that pain… but what I truly want is to find where the two meet for you, where they become one inside of you. I want to shatter you into millions of kaleidoscope pieces where the jagged pieces of you slice into my flesh embedding themselves into my flesh so that I can carry a piece of you with me all the time. I want to crack your chest open and crawl inside to curl around your heart, so I can listen to your heart beat from the inside and feel its deadly rhythm beating all around me.


Inviting the Darkness In

People say that you should not take LSD or hallucinogens because they bring up all of the dark and nasty thoughts that are in your subconscious. When I was younger I tried LSD several times and liked it. I am a dark

 sort of person and therefore write and read dark sort of things. I like poking at the thing that resides in the blackest portion of everyone’s

brain and seeing what comes out. It’s fun. If you don’t want to know what is lurking in at least one person’s mind don’t read what I write. There is a dark corner in all of us I just dragged mine into the light introduced myself and asked it if it wanted me to get to know it a little bit more over say afternoon tea. That was a long time ago and now that dark corner and I are very good fr

iends. Some people run from darkness others embrace it and I was never one for running





I have to mention one annoying thing

Ok… so there is more than one annoying thing in this world but this just happens to be the latest. The quote that I use “And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had” IS NOT FROM DONNY DARKO… not that I object to that movie it is not why I like that quote. The quote existed long before the movie and I use it because it is from a scene in a television show that sparked emotion in me. It made a kind of sense in a way that made me remember it. It being used for the movie Donny Darko makes no sense at all considering the movie and the song. Now that I am not sure if that makes much sense I am going to stop ranting about it now…

Perfection in Madness

Have you ever seen something so horrible that at first your mind refuses to recognize that what you are staring at used to be human. A live and breathing thing with laughter, love, and hope. Your mind hesitates but it is there to work out what it is, even then you realize that you probably don’t want to make sense of it. It takes a minute for your mind to adjust and believe what it is being shown through your eyes. Things start to look like they make sense but are in the wrong places, mangled. There is a fleeting moment when you realize that somethings are just not to be seen and recognized. This is when you realize that you cannot unsee the image. It imprints itself into your head waiting for you to close your eyes.

There is no way to cleanse that memory from your brain. Some things are just not meant to be seen.



Alarm goes off… find alarm…crack an eye open find alarm clock.

Realize you just tried to hit the sleep button on the dog

Roll the dog over find out why the dog is ringing – phone is under her (Think whenever you can’t find something check under the dog) Put phone is sleep mode.

Alarm goes off again – repeat scenario above only this time turn the alarm off.

Wonder why it is so cold – realize the blanket is under the dog.

Think screw it stumble to the living room grab blanket off the couch go back to bed with blanket.

Realize that it is hot, kick blanket off. Realize that I am now cold because I’ve fallen asleep again.

Turn over look at the dog and find new blanket under the dog


Swing legs off bed because keeping covers seems to be impossible.

Realize that floor is freezing.

Go to kitchen, put water in the coffee maker remember I forgot to get milk. Fumble with the filter, try to keep eyes open to get just one filter. Put filter sort of straight in coffee maker.

Turn coffee maker on – wonder why everything is blurry – realize I haven’t put my glasses on.

Go back to bedroom get glasses.

Put glasses on look longingly at the bed. Shake head.

Hear coffee maker making strange noises go to the coffee maker realize I haven’t closed it.

Realize I haven’t put any coffee in it.

Put coffee in and realize something is vaguely wrong stand at sink trying to catch the thought

Remember that there still is no milk

Pour coffee… trip over dog… wonder vaguely why the dog is following me around.

Realize that I haven’t fed the dog … set the coffee down forgetting the milk problem.

Put food in dog bowl, realize that it is cat food. Pour cat food back put dog food in the bowl and set it on the counter next to coffee.

Realize that I forgot to get cream.

Open fridge look just in case some magically appeared  of course it hasn’t– decide that whipped cream is just as good.

Put whipped cream in coffee, stir taste, realize that it doesn’t taste that bad. Stand there trying to catch the thought I was forgetting, turn around and trip over dog.

Mumble something vaguely obscene as hot coffee splashes on hand.

Go back to coffee maker – stare at it

Wonder vaguely why I am cold realize I haven’t put any clothing on.

Go back to bedroom look longingly at the bed.

Get whatever is in bag, already knowing finding something that matches is hopeless, realize that I need to do laundry.  Consider doing laundry nix the idea clean clothes are there just not matching ones.

Put shirt on, put pants on dig for socks find Christmas socks, shrug, put them on.

Hear dog making grumbling noises – realize you have left the dog food bowl with food in it on counter. Put dog food on floor for dog.

Drink coffee – pour another cup realize there is cream…

Realize a swim would be better – Take off clothes and swim  see the neighbor, wave, remember that I swim naked. She waves back because she knows that I swim naked. Ignore neighbors stare and get out of pool.

Realize I have forgotten a towel, walk into house dripping on wood floor and carpet. Slide and fall because there is no wet floor sign

Remember that I was the one that made it wet, realize I am cold and wet. Sigh go to bedroom and get clothing. Put shirt on backwards and inside out. Correct the backwards part shrug take shirt off again putting it on the right way. Decide the whole thing isn’t worth it and go back to bed.

So that was my morning how was yours.