The most twisted ridiculous conversation possible… Yeah I am completely crazy

This is a quoted conversation from my ex who I am going to actually have to evict – I am WAY too nice.

It is important to note that I never once cried over this break up. I never once felt sorry that I no longer wanted a life with him. Most of all I was as nice as possible, let him live in my home, and tried to be his friend. He moved out for a long while lived with two other people and a condition of letting him come back and stay for a while so he wouldn’t be homeless was that he get a job (he hasn’t for 5 or 6 years now) and he leave when I asked him among other things.

3:05:33 AM killingdanse: Hey you awake?
3:15:29 AM pinebrk: barely whats up
3:15:49 AM killingdanse: Everything go all right (I paid 225 dollars to send him to a court appearance so he would not get arrested)
3:18:07 AM pinebrk: yes i paid the cab fare and worked on the car i have here did the brakes and now i have to change out the power steering pump and the front main seal
3:18:37 AM pinebrk: thank you for helping me
3:19:02 AM

pinebrk: tired long day
3:19:14 AM killingdanse: Ok I understand you need the money but you are NOT turning my home into a garage
3:19:34 AM pinebrk: im woorking on one car ok
3:19:44 AM pinebrk: dont get me riled now
3:19:54 AM killingdanse: LOL
3:20:41 AM killingdanse: I am getting rid of dead weight in my life and unless you want to join the people who belong to that group I would ask that you tread carefully (really don’t want to leave him homeless)
3:21:33 AM pinebrk: well according to you im already there
3:22:00 AM killingdanse: You are really close
3:22:44 AM killingdanse: So simple ground rules assuming you want to have a home until I get back
3:22:56 AM pinebrk: k im just trying to get it si i dont go to jail i already have 140 of the 5 hun put up as of right now ( he needs 500 by september to keep him out of jail)
3:23:45 AM killingdanse: Will you be ok with keeping that and not spending it if it is there?
3:25:07 AM pinebrk: i still have 250 coming and then i will give it to you cause if i have it and need it i will spend it
3:25:57 AM killingdanse: That is why I asked
3:26:04 AM pinebrk: im sorry im just being honest
3:26:15 AM killingdanse: I know you that is why I asked remember
3:26:48 AM killingdanse: I understand I am similar which is why I have my account set up the way I do
3:27:05 AM pinebrk: so what is it thatyou are asking me to do
3:28:05 AM killingdanse: Not asking you to do it (doing it is up to you) asking you if you wanted me to put it up so you couldn’t spend it until you had the 500 and paid the court ( At this point I am offering to help him)
3:32:10 AM killingdanse: Are you still there
3:32:22 AM pinebrk: yes im here
3:32:49 AM pinebrk: and i guess i fucked up 2nite i spent some money
3:33:24 AM killingdanse: Look I don’t care what you do with your money
3:34:05 AM killingdanse: I know you are not working and I know you can’t pay rent (a fact which drives me crazy and I wish you could pay your own bills) but it is life (I have been paying his bills for years now again I just didn’t want him to be homeless)
3:34:18 AM pinebrk: tell me if i was wrong for buying what i did
3:34:39 AM killingdanse: I have no idea what you bought nor do I care at this moment
3:34:53 AM pinebrk: k ill talk to you lateer
3:35:09 AM killingdanse: Sigh
3:35:18 AM killingdanse: wtf are you talking about
3:35:45 AM pinebrk: i guess nothing you dont care
3:36:39 AM killingdanse: Unless they are cigarettes and you are sitting there smoking in my house I really don’t care what you spent money on… sorry but if you expected me to be upset I just don’t have it in me
3:37:18 AM pinebrk: it wasnt cigs
3:37:33 AM killingdanse: Ok then I don’t see why we are discussing it
3:38:17 AM pinebrk: i just wanted to see if what i bought was justified in your eyes
3:38:28 AM killingdanse: They why didn’t you just ask
3:38:43 AM killingdanse: Can’t tell you if it is justified because I don’t know what it is
3:39:26 AM killingdanse: and the whole reason why I wanted to talk to you tonight is what is going to happen in the near future
3:39:29 AM pinebrk: i went out and bought me a new pair of boots and a bag of socks
3:39:49 AM pinebrk: what is going to happen
3:40:16 AM killingdanse: Through a contractor or through you the house is going to be changing (Doesn’t work out any cheaper but just justifies letting him stay – I know I am psychotic)
3:40:55 AM killingdanse: Whether or not you stay is up to you following a few ground rules because I literally can’t take it if you don’t
3:49:19 AM killingdanse: sigh
3:51:13 AM pinebrk: i want to stay and whqat ruules
3:51:39 AM killingdanse: If I catch you smoking in the house or it smells like smoke when I get up there both of you are out (Don’t mind if people smoke, don’t mind smokers, don’t mind if he smokes outside, can’t stand the smell in my house)
3:52:09 AM killingdanse: If I have you do the work and you don
3:52:40 AM

killingdanse: don’t finish it by the time we agree on (barring something unusual happening such as a job sickness etc)
3:53:01 AM killingdanse: 1st time you don’t get paid – second time you are moving
3:53:46 AM killingdanse: If I hear you calling me your girlfriend or someone else tells me that you said it I will flip the fuck out
3:54:10 AM killingdanse: (My recent history in a mental ward is pretty much proof of exactly how close to an edge I am) (I actually feel myself falling and after this conversation my chest hurt and I was short of breath)
3:54:33 AM pinebrk: well then you better flip ythe fuck out (Yes he really just said he doesn’t care if I end up in a hospital mental or otherwise HOLY SHIT)
3:54:43 AM pinebrk: im going mto bed night
3:56:39 AM killingdanse: I see exactly how much you care for my well being and expect to be leaving shortly
3:57:21 AM killingdanse: What you just told me is that you don’t give a shit about me and that certainly doesn’t make me want to be anywhere near you much less date you (Just in case he didn’t mean or understand what he just said)
4:10:54 AM killingdanse: I am so not playing this game with you
4:10:58 AM pinebrk: no you dont se i care all to much for you and your well being and im not going anywhere
4:11:24 AM killingdanse: You will go if you do not agree… you may not like going but you will go then you will be without a place to live
4:11:37 AMkillingdanse: without any chance of getting anywhere near me again
4:12:35 AM killingdanse: I told you I am on edge and I am done with the three year old bs games with my home, a home you promised that you would leave if I asked you to
4:13:05 AM

killingdanse: a promise which you broke and I am done playing around with you
4:13:14 AM killingdanse: I broke up with you YEARS ago
Yes, I am well aware that I hurt myself by being nice and I should have done this years ago but I honestly have issues with evicting someone who is going to be homeless… or I did until this happened. I still cannot believe he would rather have me sick, upset, hurting, and a variety of other things because he won’t follow those rules. I am stunned. He would rather hurt me…
Okay so I am confounded and admittedly completely insane. He’s not a horrible guy well I didn’t think he was horrible until I found out after everything that I did for him he would rather see me hurt, broken, and sick… Holy Shit.  It is really too bad that this isn’t joking.
Randy

Holy Shit I Think I Figured it Out

Like the title says I think I might just have figured it out. Yes, this would seem simply to anyone but me but I realized that I gave everyone everything until I had nothing left. I can’t walk away from things right now because things are going to kill me, but it will kill my family first. It has already killed all of the relationships I have and there are several that are rapidly deteriorating. I tried to get some help and ended up sitting for two days in a room with a bunch of other people watching the paint peel off the walls.

To anyone out there who paints mental health facilities…. BABY SHIT BROWN IS HORRIBLE TO BEGIN WITH BUT STARING AT IT 24 HOURS A DAY WILL DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD. The phrase “Maybe you will get some help,” or “I thought it would help you,” came out of people’s mouths multiple time during this. It was one of the most unhelpful things. It ruined my current relationship which was just getting back on track and convinced me that I can’t be in a relationship ever. Never going to get close to someone, sex is one thing but I have to learn not to show them who I actually am.

I can’t believe the only person I have let close to me now hates me because I am broken. Just a discarded toy that was played with too hard and snapped. No more winding up he wound me too tight and the spring broke. It hurts to have someone not wanting anything to do with you because you are sick and broken. They hurt you worse by trying to back away slowly than they do just getting angry and telling you to fuck off.

This hurts so incredibly bad but I made a decision when I was sick that I didn’t want him any more. Now all that can be done is to pick up my cloths and truck and never speak to him again. Then there is getting over him personally. Every time we think of something that we used to do or just hiding in his arms it kills more of me inside but that is just crushing the rest of the broken toy that I am.

He was angry with me – I was in full meltdown mode and he was angry with me. Why what was the reason for his anger – not protective instinct for me or being scared for me – but for him and his family and what they said about me. Oh well I will get over it or I won’t either way I won’t have feel used by him or but it is crushing me right now. Things were actually getting better between us and I could always say at least he would stand behind me. But I guess not.

Be with Someone
Be with someone who won’t stay mad at you,
Be with Someone who can’t stand not talking to you,
And be with someone who is afraid of losing you.

I thought I had found that person but I guess not.

What is Known

I know that love is hate twisted around to suit a purpose. If one thing my current circumstance has taught me it is that it is better to die fast and young than it is to live. Now I know why so many people get into prostitution and drugs. Right now I think I would do just about anything to escape.

Two of the best escapes in the world rough sex and drugs. I think I will stick to the rough sex and in some ways would make a the perfect concubine. Not so much into the whole drug experience. Can’t really deal with anything that will make me lose my grip on reality any further. It is already slipping too far beyond my grasp. I know what things should be and I know what I should do I just can’t bring myself to do it.

It is funny that I find killing myself easier than living a relatively simple life. The voices are stronger than they ever have been in the past. They whisper to me telling me what I should do and what things should be like. I am sure I could step outside and find what they are asking for. Only the knowledge that if I start doing what they tell me to do I will be lost. Since when they start realizing I am paying attention to them they will get louder and never stop talking, commanding obedience

I will trap myself inside buried deep within and withdrawn from the rest of the world. I’ve done it before and the people around me looked  into my eyes and saw nothing there. I can function for a long time like that. My body is on autopilot. I will do what ever I am told. I am almost at the point that I will do anything to not feel anymore even if it means listening to the voices and letting them be in control for a while. It just scares people when they look at me and realize that at that moment they are staring at something without a soul.

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Just When You Thought it Could Not Get Worse

It was my idea and half way through it I found myself thinking that if I didn’t already plan on not surviving in the same form I am now I probably would take myself to the nearest highest bridge and jump off. I remember when he loved me and wanted to be around me. That is what makes it so horrible it would be different if I couldn’t remember or if it wasn’t so clear. I shouldn’t have gone there, I shouldn’t have sat there talking pouring my heart out to a person made of black glass just barely see through. I just didn’t realize that it would hurt so much. It is as if at any moment I am going to look down and I will have ripped out my own still beating heart from my chest. I can almost feel the slickness of the blood that still seems to pour out of it. I did this to myself and I can’t undo it. Before I get labeled an emo chick who is screaming whoa is me what I am talking about isn’t the teenage angst that is felt because of hormones but is no less real.

I thought that people stuck by each other when they loved one another. I thought if someone hurt a person you cared about you defended them. There was a time not so long ago that I would have stepped in front of a train to save the one life that I valued above all others and for some stupid reason I thought he felt the same about me. I feel deeper than most people. Feel stronger and bond tighter to those close to me.

When all of this started I thought that he would be there for me as I was for him every time he needed me. I did not expect what happened. Now as I sit alone as usual contemplating what went wrong I realize that the embedded carnival glass is moving under my skin again. It writhes and twitches like a living thing that wants out. For all I know it is alive and is willing to do what it can to break free of its prison just as I would be willing to do almost anything to break free of mine. Almost every avenue I have out is blocked. The last one came today when I found out the person I counted on the most had friends that hated me. With each passing thought the feeling gets worse.

You know the feeling that you feel when you just want to be home with your back against the wall tucked into a corner, just waiting? Just waiting to let out everything you’ve taken in that day. Feeling both desperate and relieved because nothing is wrong but nothing is right either, you are just so tired, tired of being nothing, tired of everything and you just want someone to tell you that it is ok. But no one is going to you know that from years of being kicked when you are down because no one can fix you. Tired of wanting tired of fixing yourself and everyone around you. Just once you want it to be simple to be helped to be saved but you know that’s not going to happen?

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