This is a quoted conversation from my ex who I am going to actually have to evict – I am WAY too nice.
It is important to note that I never once cried over this break up. I never once felt sorry that I no longer wanted a life with him. Most of all I was as nice as possible, let him live in my home, and tried to be his friend. He moved out for a long while lived with two other people and a condition of letting him come back and stay for a while so he wouldn’t be homeless was that he get a job (he hasn’t for 5 or 6 years now) and he leave when I asked him among other things.
Like the title says I think I might just have figured it out. Yes, this would seem simply to anyone but me but I realized that I gave everyone everything until I had nothing left. I can’t walk away from things right now because things are going to kill me, but it will kill my family first. It has already killed all of the relationships I have and there are several that are rapidly deteriorating. I tried to get some help and ended up sitting for two days in a room with a bunch of other people watching the paint peel off the walls.
To anyone out there who paints mental health facilities…. BABY SHIT BROWN IS HORRIBLE TO BEGIN WITH BUT STARING AT IT 24 HOURS A DAY WILL DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD. The phrase “Maybe you will get some help,” or “I thought it would help you,” came out of people’s mouths multiple time during this. It was one of the most unhelpful things. It ruined my current relationship which was just getting back on track and convinced me that I can’t be in a relationship ever. Never going to get close to someone, sex is one thing but I have to learn not to show them who I actually am.
I can’t believe the only person I have let close to me now hates me because I am broken. Just a discarded toy that was played with too hard and snapped. No more winding up he wound me too tight and the spring broke. It hurts to have someone not wanting anything to do with you because you are sick and broken. They hurt you worse by trying to back away slowly than they do just getting angry and telling you to fuck off.
This hurts so incredibly bad but I made a decision when I was sick that I didn’t want him any more. Now all that can be done is to pick up my cloths and truck and never speak to him again. Then there is getting over him personally. Every time we think of something that we used to do or just hiding in his arms it kills more of me inside but that is just crushing the rest of the broken toy that I am.
He was angry with me – I was in full meltdown mode and he was angry with me. Why what was the reason for his anger – not protective instinct for me or being scared for me – but for him and his family and what they said about me. Oh well I will get over it or I won’t either way I won’t have feel used by him or but it is crushing me right now. Things were actually getting better between us and I could always say at least he would stand behind me. But I guess not.
Be with Someone
Be with someone who won’t stay mad at you,
Be with Someone who can’t stand not talking to you,
And be with someone who is afraid of losing you.
I thought I had found that person but I guess not.
I know that love is hate twisted around to suit a purpose. If one thing my current circumstance has taught me it is that it is better to die fast and young than it is to live. Now I know why so many people get into prostitution and drugs. Right now I think I would do just about anything to escape.
Two of the best escapes in the world rough sex and drugs. I think I will stick to the rough sex and in some ways would make a the perfect concubine. Not so much into the whole drug experience. Can’t really deal with anything that will make me lose my grip on reality any further. It is already slipping too far beyond my grasp. I know what things should be and I know what I should do I just can’t bring myself to do it.
It is funny that I find killing myself easier than living a relatively simple life. The voices are stronger than they ever have been in the past. They whisper to me telling me what I should do and what things should be like. I am sure I could step outside and find what they are asking for. Only the knowledge that if I start doing what they tell me to do I will be lost. Since when they start realizing I am paying attention to them they will get louder and never stop talking, commanding obedience
I will trap myself inside buried deep within and withdrawn from the rest of the world. I’ve done it before and the people around me looked into my eyes and saw nothing there. I can function for a long time like that. My body is on autopilot. I will do what ever I am told. I am almost at the point that I will do anything to not feel anymore even if it means listening to the voices and letting them be in control for a while. It just scares people when they look at me and realize that at that moment they are staring at something without a soul.
It was my idea and half way through it I found myself thinking that if I didn’t already plan on not surviving in the same form I am now I probably would take myself to the nearest highest bridge and jump off. I remember when he loved me and wanted to be around me. That is what makes it so horrible it would be different if I couldn’t remember or if it wasn’t so clear. I shouldn’t have gone there, I shouldn’t have sat there talking pouring my heart out to a person made of black glass just barely see through. I just didn’t realize that it would hurt so much. It is as if at any moment I am going to look down and I will have ripped out my own still beating heart from my chest. I can almost feel the slickness of the blood that still seems to pour out of it. I did this to myself and I can’t undo it. Before I get labeled an emo chick who is screaming whoa is me what I am talking about isn’t the teenage angst that is felt because of hormones but is no less real.
I thought that people stuck by each other when they loved one another. I thought if someone hurt a person you cared about you defended them. There was a time not so long ago that I would have stepped in front of a train to save the one life that I valued above all others and for some stupid reason I thought he felt the same about me. I feel deeper than most people. Feel stronger and bond tighter to those close to me.
When all of this started I thought that he would be there for me as I was for him every time he needed me. I did not expect what happened. Now as I sit alone as usual contemplating what went wrong I realize that the embedded carnival glass is moving under my skin again. It writhes and twitches like a living thing that wants out. For all I know it is alive and is willing to do what it can to break free of its prison just as I would be willing to do almost anything to break free of mine. Almost every avenue I have out is blocked. The last one came today when I found out the person I counted on the most had friends that hated me. With each passing thought the feeling gets worse.
You know the feeling that you feel when you just want to be home with your back against the wall tucked into a corner, just waiting? Just waiting to let out everything you’ve taken in that day. Feeling both desperate and relieved because nothing is wrong but nothing is right either, you are just so tired, tired of being nothing, tired of everything and you just want someone to tell you that it is ok. But no one is going to you know that from years of being kicked when you are down because no one can fix you. Tired of wanting tired of fixing yourself and everyone around you. Just once you want it to be simple to be helped to be saved but you know that’s not going to happen?