Why Do I Wake Up Like This?

I know the depression has been bad lately but… I am currently in one of the most beautiful places on the earth (or at least I think so) and I wake up sad. I wake up wanting to die or not wake up at all. If I could right now I would take a million drugs just for this to stop. I should be happy, excited, hopeful, something other than overwhelmingly sad. Why do I feel like this? Yes, I know the technical of why and it is not why me. I would rather it be me than anyone else. I wouldn’t ask anyone to feel like this on a regular basis.

I have no reason to feel this way. My job is fine, money is tight but okay, I am on vacation, my truck is being fixed – my insurance may go up but okay, it can’t go up by that much. I am not particularly lonely. There is no reason for me to wake up like this.

 

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A very long story made very short…

Okay, I have to do this simply because I am extremely depressed, have no internet access here, and needed a happy goat. Mostly because happy goats make everyone feel better. So I went in search of one and this is what I found. To my surprise not one happy goat but TWO.

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To my surprise I also found one seriously pissed off alpaca.

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How to Die?

There is a point when you realize you are going to die. Not from any disease or from an accident but by your own hand. That point in my life came a long time ago and that is not a bad thing. Some people think it is but the right to die is the only thing that you actually control. I realize that the people around me would be better off without me in their lives and I realize that I will never be a complete functioning person.

People say that there are things to live for but there really isn’t. There is no point to it.

I have read thousands of questions that boil down to one thing, I am in pain, how do I stop it. Search for something like “How do I commit suicide?” or “How do I die?” and you will find hundreds of people asking this question. The truth is those who are thinking about it are suffering. Yes, this is a bad thing and suicide is not the answer to most questions, until it is.

I am not going to say don’t do it, nor am I going to say that is the answer, because it is a personal choice. I have always said that suicide is the solution when the pain out weighs the ability to cope. Unfortunately this happens. It is fact and no one seems to admit that sometimes this is the answer. I am not talking about when you are a teenager and want attention or when your boyfriend breaks up with you, or when someone close to you dies. I am talking about when there is some much pain that you can’t see a way out. When you know that things will only get worse or worse yet stay the same and there is no answer to when it will stop. I am talking about when there is no end in sight and not likely to be one without killing yourself.

How many people have you asked for an answer and the only one that they could give you is that time heals, but time can’t heal something that has always been wrong. If you try things will get better… they say this not knowing how hard you’ve tried or what you have gone through to make it stop.

So sometimes you carver yourself up with a razor or engage in dangerous behavior because it gives you a moment of relief and no one can take that away. That is your choice. No one else’s just as the choice to end your suffering is yours.

Now here most people would tell you it’s okay it will get better or all you have to do is seek help and you will be okay. But it is never okay and it never gets better and every time you try one of their suggestions it only gets worse but you still try. Some say pray to god and he/she/it will help but when you pray there is no answer. When you take their drugs it doesn’t help it just makes you sleepy or angry or worse yet apathetic. When pain is all there is all you want to do is to make it stop.

Unfortunately because of liability I can’t tell you how to die. I wish I could because there are several ways that are very effective but that all depends on how you want to die. All of the people who tell you, you don’t have to and there is something to live for are not living your life. A life that only looks bleak and only gets worse and the only end you can see is misery and then eventual death with no one around and no one who cares because truly most people only care about themselves. They don’t care that you are suffering, they don’t care that you would do anything to stop it or that no matter what it is not going to get better. I am sure there will be people who will say no don’t do it. I have found that these people don’t get it.

They don’t understand that there is nothing that makes it better and very little that doesn’t make it worse. In my opinion you deserve the right to die, you deserve a way to make it stop. We euthanize animals that are in pain and suffering why not people. I don’t understand it anymore than they understand the need to make it stop before something worse than an neat suicide.

There are several things in my life that will only get worse. It will happen and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will. I will be trapped even more so than I am now. There are options with a little research and perseverance. It only takes a bit of abstract research. For all of those that find this know at least there is one person that understands it and won’t give you platitudes about how it gets better when you talk to someone or that everything will change with this drug or that. It’s a constant struggle that you will go through. They don’t get it because they have never felt it.

I am one of those people who just wants it to stop. I think constantly about a car accident, they happen everyday or a killer that just happens to find me. I have even offered an open invitation to anyone who wants to kill me and do me a favor. Unless you know what that is like don’t give meaningless advice. Chances are if you are serious about dying drugs, therapy, or changes in your life won’t stop you from feeling the darkness. I know this was rambling and ultimately depressing but the fact is there are people out there that are better off dead. I am one of them, not that I am ready yet but I will be soon. People break and there is nothing you can do to stop them.

As always feel free to comment and tell me what you think. I will revisit this subject soon, but tonight I am just too damn tired of those who preach without ever knowing that it is not going to help.

 

And I leave you with this for those who like it:

jason

Lost

They took something from me something important and although I can remember it I can’t seem to mourn its loss and I need to. The sadness is gone, the guilt, the pain all gone. Unfortunately everything else is too. I know what they meant to take but instead they took it all, everything that makes me who I am, what I am. I look out from a shell not loving, hating, crying, or screaming because I can’t. It is an eerie silence inside my head now.

They said it would only hurt a little bit but this lost emptiness is worse than pain, so much worse. They didn’t know that this would drive me crazy. At least the with the pain I had something to hang onto. Now there is just nothing. People around me watch only now realizing that what I am doing is trying to feel something, anything. My actions get more and more desperate, going farther, pushing harder, just to feel. Now even I wonder how far I will go just to feel.

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The Clowns are chewing away in the most painfully unpleasant fashion

A hate has been rising up in me. It started as a slow burn that only twinged a little bit. You know the feeling when you see, do, or have done to you something that is only slightly unjust. It can be pried out of you with a kind word or happy thought. If it is not excised it continues to grow into a burning, a torturous heat with hard edge. It can still be cut from your heart by pure unadulterated lust and the wonderfully rough sex that comes with it. The kind of physical contact that leaves you sore and aching in the morning because you both have taken the hate out on each other and are better for it. This is the kind of fucking that most people only engage in once or twice and think that it is adventurous. The kind where the participants have no idea how close they’ve come to tearing each other apart.

It wandered into the territory of a bright flame as it grew. The hard edge to it becoming a bludgeon working further into my soul. Twisting into it like something wrong and painful. Although much harder to do because the edges of the heart are torn and bruised it can still be torn from the body, but only by using another as you are used in a visceral meeting of the two sexes. The kind of fucking that not many know and others think they’ve gone insane to engage in. The kind where you rip into the other person taking pain and pleasure instead of just giving it.

Then it turned to a roaring fire as it continued to grow. The edge to it is no longer hard but sharp as it shreds the heart piercing the soul before pulling out again only to ram back in. The only way to extinguish it is bloody and painful and kept quiet in the dark.

Finally the flames of the fire turned dark as it consumed me until it wasn’t a fire at all anymore just a burning hatred that echoes up from my eviscerated soul. A wealth of it pours off of me causing even the most oblivious of people to shy away. A darkness so deep and black that to rip it from me would tear apart what little is left. So entwined in what is me it would pull out my very soul. Still it burns deep inside leaving bladed teeth marks wherever it touches.

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Not Me

I have not been myself lately or rather I have been too much myself lately locked inside my own little world begging for escape. I look around at the people with me who don’t know me at all and slip back into an alternate reality that is more real to me than anything I can touch or hold but is infinitely more twisted that anything thought up on this plane.

In my world if something can think to do it, it has been done in technicolor brilliance that can only be accomplished in the mind. Things so twisted that they can only exist inside someone and they can only feast on the light and love in your soul. And feast they do. I am losing it.

I look at others, listen to them, and realize that no one has it worse or better than me because their mind might be doing it to them too. If I can hide it away from everyone but my readers they can hide it from me. Which sparks the thought, as I look at each person in turn, what horrible things is their mind doing to me as we talk. Are they similar things to what my mind is doing to them. Would they cringe away from me in horror if I told them or would they just smile at me knowingly.

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Is that the same hunger or darkness I see behind their eyes? Is it the same blackness that is behind your eyes? I don’t know why you suddenly shift away only that you do. My mind instantly goes to the questions is the darkness showing, radiating off me like some twisted negative lighthouse.  Or is it the blankness, the utter soulless look that is in my eyes. Does it make you think “she’s checked out?” Do you even notice? No one else does…

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The most twisted ridiculous conversation possible… Yeah I am completely crazy

This is a quoted conversation from my ex who I am going to actually have to evict – I am WAY too nice.

It is important to note that I never once cried over this break up. I never once felt sorry that I no longer wanted a life with him. Most of all I was as nice as possible, let him live in my home, and tried to be his friend. He moved out for a long while lived with two other people and a condition of letting him come back and stay for a while so he wouldn’t be homeless was that he get a job (he hasn’t for 5 or 6 years now) and he leave when I asked him among other things.

3:05:33 AM killingdanse: Hey you awake?
3:15:29 AM pinebrk: barely whats up
3:15:49 AM killingdanse: Everything go all right (I paid 225 dollars to send him to a court appearance so he would not get arrested)
3:18:07 AM pinebrk: yes i paid the cab fare and worked on the car i have here did the brakes and now i have to change out the power steering pump and the front main seal
3:18:37 AM pinebrk: thank you for helping me
3:19:02 AM

pinebrk: tired long day
3:19:14 AM killingdanse: Ok I understand you need the money but you are NOT turning my home into a garage
3:19:34 AM pinebrk: im woorking on one car ok
3:19:44 AM pinebrk: dont get me riled now
3:19:54 AM killingdanse: LOL
3:20:41 AM killingdanse: I am getting rid of dead weight in my life and unless you want to join the people who belong to that group I would ask that you tread carefully (really don’t want to leave him homeless)
3:21:33 AM pinebrk: well according to you im already there
3:22:00 AM killingdanse: You are really close
3:22:44 AM killingdanse: So simple ground rules assuming you want to have a home until I get back
3:22:56 AM pinebrk: k im just trying to get it si i dont go to jail i already have 140 of the 5 hun put up as of right now ( he needs 500 by september to keep him out of jail)
3:23:45 AM killingdanse: Will you be ok with keeping that and not spending it if it is there?
3:25:07 AM pinebrk: i still have 250 coming and then i will give it to you cause if i have it and need it i will spend it
3:25:57 AM killingdanse: That is why I asked
3:26:04 AM pinebrk: im sorry im just being honest
3:26:15 AM killingdanse: I know you that is why I asked remember
3:26:48 AM killingdanse: I understand I am similar which is why I have my account set up the way I do
3:27:05 AM pinebrk: so what is it thatyou are asking me to do
3:28:05 AM killingdanse: Not asking you to do it (doing it is up to you) asking you if you wanted me to put it up so you couldn’t spend it until you had the 500 and paid the court ( At this point I am offering to help him)
3:32:10 AM killingdanse: Are you still there
3:32:22 AM pinebrk: yes im here
3:32:49 AM pinebrk: and i guess i fucked up 2nite i spent some money
3:33:24 AM killingdanse: Look I don’t care what you do with your money
3:34:05 AM killingdanse: I know you are not working and I know you can’t pay rent (a fact which drives me crazy and I wish you could pay your own bills) but it is life (I have been paying his bills for years now again I just didn’t want him to be homeless)
3:34:18 AM pinebrk: tell me if i was wrong for buying what i did
3:34:39 AM killingdanse: I have no idea what you bought nor do I care at this moment
3:34:53 AM pinebrk: k ill talk to you lateer
3:35:09 AM killingdanse: Sigh
3:35:18 AM killingdanse: wtf are you talking about
3:35:45 AM pinebrk: i guess nothing you dont care
3:36:39 AM killingdanse: Unless they are cigarettes and you are sitting there smoking in my house I really don’t care what you spent money on… sorry but if you expected me to be upset I just don’t have it in me
3:37:18 AM pinebrk: it wasnt cigs
3:37:33 AM killingdanse: Ok then I don’t see why we are discussing it
3:38:17 AM pinebrk: i just wanted to see if what i bought was justified in your eyes
3:38:28 AM killingdanse: They why didn’t you just ask
3:38:43 AM killingdanse: Can’t tell you if it is justified because I don’t know what it is
3:39:26 AM killingdanse: and the whole reason why I wanted to talk to you tonight is what is going to happen in the near future
3:39:29 AM pinebrk: i went out and bought me a new pair of boots and a bag of socks
3:39:49 AM pinebrk: what is going to happen
3:40:16 AM killingdanse: Through a contractor or through you the house is going to be changing (Doesn’t work out any cheaper but just justifies letting him stay – I know I am psychotic)
3:40:55 AM killingdanse: Whether or not you stay is up to you following a few ground rules because I literally can’t take it if you don’t
3:49:19 AM killingdanse: sigh
3:51:13 AM pinebrk: i want to stay and whqat ruules
3:51:39 AM killingdanse: If I catch you smoking in the house or it smells like smoke when I get up there both of you are out (Don’t mind if people smoke, don’t mind smokers, don’t mind if he smokes outside, can’t stand the smell in my house)
3:52:09 AM killingdanse: If I have you do the work and you don
3:52:40 AM

killingdanse: don’t finish it by the time we agree on (barring something unusual happening such as a job sickness etc)
3:53:01 AM killingdanse: 1st time you don’t get paid – second time you are moving
3:53:46 AM killingdanse: If I hear you calling me your girlfriend or someone else tells me that you said it I will flip the fuck out
3:54:10 AM killingdanse: (My recent history in a mental ward is pretty much proof of exactly how close to an edge I am) (I actually feel myself falling and after this conversation my chest hurt and I was short of breath)
3:54:33 AM pinebrk: well then you better flip ythe fuck out (Yes he really just said he doesn’t care if I end up in a hospital mental or otherwise HOLY SHIT)
3:54:43 AM pinebrk: im going mto bed night
3:56:39 AM killingdanse: I see exactly how much you care for my well being and expect to be leaving shortly
3:57:21 AM killingdanse: What you just told me is that you don’t give a shit about me and that certainly doesn’t make me want to be anywhere near you much less date you (Just in case he didn’t mean or understand what he just said)
4:10:54 AM killingdanse: I am so not playing this game with you
4:10:58 AM pinebrk: no you dont se i care all to much for you and your well being and im not going anywhere
4:11:24 AM killingdanse: You will go if you do not agree… you may not like going but you will go then you will be without a place to live
4:11:37 AMkillingdanse: without any chance of getting anywhere near me again
4:12:35 AM killingdanse: I told you I am on edge and I am done with the three year old bs games with my home, a home you promised that you would leave if I asked you to
4:13:05 AM

killingdanse: a promise which you broke and I am done playing around with you
4:13:14 AM killingdanse: I broke up with you YEARS ago
Yes, I am well aware that I hurt myself by being nice and I should have done this years ago but I honestly have issues with evicting someone who is going to be homeless… or I did until this happened. I still cannot believe he would rather have me sick, upset, hurting, and a variety of other things because he won’t follow those rules. I am stunned. He would rather hurt me…
Okay so I am confounded and admittedly completely insane. He’s not a horrible guy well I didn’t think he was horrible until I found out after everything that I did for him he would rather see me hurt, broken, and sick… Holy Shit.  It is really too bad that this isn’t joking.
Randy

Ever wonder why there’s sympathy for the Devil

I don’t own Lucifer nor would I really ever want to… Angel, Morning Star, Prince of Darkness and all.

Lucifer sat staring out over the windswept rock. It was a time of peace for him even after he’d fallen. Breaking dawn had always been his favorite time of day and the rocky Irish coast his favorite place to be. There was something about the spectacular beautiful display of dawn over the staggering gray of the cliffs and the deadly swirling darkness below. This day he arrived here just before dawn a heavy mist clung to the rocky cliff hiding the sharp rocks and swirling water below. He waited peacefully for the dawn chorus to begin. As the first hint of sun hit the horizon he took a breath and began to sing.

While the moon her watch is keeping,

All through the night

While the weary world is sleeping

All through the night

O’er thy spirit gently stealing

Visions of delight revealing

Breathes a pure and holy feeling

All through the night “

He smiled adopting an Irish lilt to his voice as he sang watching the gray start to seep from the sky.

Though I roam a minstrel lonely

All through the night

My true harp shall praise sing only

All through the night

Love’s young dream, alas, is over

Yet my strains of love shall hover

Near the presence of my lover

All through the night”

He closed his eyes enjoying the feeling of the soft breeze and sweet sound of the ocean below, rocking gently in an unheard rhythm.

The girl stared at him. He was the most stunning thing she’d ever seen. Soft black hair hung down just past his shoulders and was tied back with a black ribbon. He seemed to move with the song he sang his voice sending chills through her with its soft beauty. She watched his back expand as his chest rose when he began the next verse. Muscles rippled even through the linen shirt he wore.

Hark, a solemn bell is ringing

Clear through the night

Thou, my love, art heavenward winging

Home through the night

Earthly dust from off thee shaken

Soul immortal shalt thou awaken

With thy last dim journey taken

Home through the night”

She hadn’t realized that she’d moved forward as he sang until she realized she was standing at the edge of the cliff beside where he was sitting. She reached out to touch his cheek to brush away the tear she saw there. Her hand hovered beside his face the strands of black hair that had escaped its tie sliding over it.

“You’re song is beautiful don’t stop singing,” she said quietly as he ended the last note. A soft peaceful smile played against his face.

“There is no more to sing,” She couldn’t help but think that his speaking voice shined as much as his singing voice. Her heart broke at its sound. His eyes still closed he turned toward her voice as she spoke. She wondered if his eyes were as beautiful as the rest of him. She was inexplicably drawn to him. She closed her eyes for a moment attempting to remember how she got there. Why she left her warm home before dawn because of the sound of his voice? She shook her head confused for a moment. He reached out and ran his thumb along her delicate cheek sighing softly as he did. A soft frown flickered over his features as he did the unthinkable. He opened his eyes and she screamed stumbling backward her foot catching on the edge of the cliff.

Lucifer drew in a breath as the catalog of her sins flooded his mind. She was ruined by the shepherd’s kisses and chose to lay with him before she’d been married. She’d done this willingly and over again. A sad smile crossed his lips as he watched the beautiful young girl fall still staring into the endless obsidian pool of his eyes. Only when she disappeared into the mist and the violent waves and rocks below did he close them. For a moment he’d forgotten it had been so long since he sang. He’d forgotten that only sinners could hear him sing and only sinners and demons would be drawn to the sound of his voice.

Tears slipped down his cheeks he’d only wanted a moment’s peace before the fight started. He’d only wanted to relax for just a moment after years in the cage. He sighed again stretching out his black wings. The shining feathers damp with the mist glittered. Strong muscles flexed as he prepared to take flight. The darkness of his position settled around him like a cloak as he took wingLucifer_the___Morningstar___by_dwinbotp (1)