Drunk Guys and Other Crazy Things

I just had a guy who I just met on a cruise who live a country away from me get upset because I would not have sex with him because 1 he’s drunk and 2 I don’t know him well enough…. What is up with that crap? Please comment because I really want to know.

Time to Engage in Dangerous Behaviors

This is one of those nights where every fiber in my body is vibrating and I can think of nothing more fun than sinking to my knees in front of the nearest stranger. Filthy bathrooms in worn out clubs that look almost magical at night but sad and tired during the day. This is the time that I personify dangerous behaviors and need to take my energy, anger, and hatred out doing something fun and yes sucking a stranger off in a random bathroom is fun. It’s power and don’t let anyone ever tell you it isn’t. The way girl or guy looks at you when they know you are in control and that you are making them feel like indescribable incandescent pleasure in such a objectionable place.

There are some things that cannot be replaced by a safe, sane, alternative.

 

And for those of you who like such things.

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Deviant Sexual Behavior

Yes this is a redlined post. Not for kiddies in more ways than one. It is important to remember that there is an age of consent and anything breaking that age can be very very very harmful. That being said all activities should be safe, sane, consensual, and not harmful to you or others.

Most people who know me, have read my writing, or seen any of my lectures understand that I am open about enjoying all forms of sex, adult entertainment, and all things that feel wonderful. My motto has always been if it feels good then enjoy it while you can. There is too much in this life that is damaging or hurtful to not take advantage of something that feels wonderful.

Why am I stating this again when everyone knows my stand on all things pleasurable?

Simply because there are far too many people who judge and maybe after reading this they might be a bit less likely to condemn.

I had a conversation with some friends not long ago that turned from a lighthearted discussion about blow jobs to something much darker. Dark is nothing new to me and depending on my mood I might like very very dark things done to my body and doing very very dark things in return. There were several of us talking from a variety of different backgrounds with a variety of different ideals. We had both ends of the spectrum. One of the subjects was a time honored taboo in our culture and to respect my friends I won’t get detailed. The fact was they engaged but were unsettled by what they were doing. They were wracked by guilt.

It turned out that although they felt very strong feelings of love, desire, and attraction they were hurt by the fact that the feelings existed. How many of us can control what we feel for another person? Can we simply turn off attraction, sexual desire, love?

If you ask any of my ex-boyfriends, girlfriends, or even friends they will certainly tell you that I have one hell of a time with it, hence mistakes I have made by getting back together with them. After the statement was made one person left and another I asked to leave. No matter what I can’t deal with someone who judges a person without knowing the whole story. The two that left, left because sometimes society cannot tolerate a new concept even if it doesn’t harm anyone.

Society judges that harshly.

My point is this…

If two people want to engage in something that does not harm anyone else, doesn’t harm them, and they enjoy it what is the problem? I don’t see one. What two people do in their bedroom is really seriously none of my or anyone elses business. I might not choose it for me but then again I am not in their circumstance. If I were perhaps I would.

If you look at the taboo subjects we have when it comes to sex which ones should truly be immoral or illegal. Which ones really do harm? In the case of my friends and me on occasion it is not the act that hurts it is society’s reaction to the act. There are things about me that I keep private because people look at me different when they find out. Is it just me that thinks society shouldn’t have any say in what I do privately?

If you enjoy something then enjoy it. It can be very hard when society frowns on what you are doing but you do far more damage to yourself because of it when you deny something that you enjoy. The fact that something deviant is enjoyable doesn’t hurt you, caring how people judge you will. The guilt is what destroys you not the act. Guilt is a very very powerful construct but it is a construct. It is very rarely real. I know I feel guilty over things that are not my fault all of the time.

Feeling guilty about something that hurt someone else is a good thing. Feeling guilty about something that you enjoy that doesn’t hurt anyone or feeling guilty about feeling a certain way is useless. It is a waste of energy and emotion. Feeling guilty because society, the church, or other people tell you to is just plain silly. There is nothing about sexual desire that is safe, sane, consensual, and doesn’t hurt anyone else to feel guilty about.

As long as the desire, activity, or feeling doesn’t hurt you, hurt others, and you enjoy it then why not enjoy it without worrying about what other people think. You shouldn’t feel guilty about something that is natural for you just because someone else says you should feel guilty. Guilt can kill.

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Can anyone out there answer a question for me?

This is an open invitation to anyone who wishes to respond. Anyone floating aimlessly about the internet please take a look and give me your best guess. I implore you to help me figure this out. I don’t condemn it I just want to understand it. Ok now for the question.

Why is it that certain guys are fascinated by putting their hands in your mouth when they are fucking you from behind? I have had and have seen this in quite of places. They use your mouth like leverage pulling you back on to them. One it hurts, two I find it repulsive *note the I* This is not to say there is anything wrong with it. Some women I know find it quite enjoyable. The problem is not that I condemn it (if you’ve read anything besides this particular post you know I have stranger kinks that that) but I don’t understand it.

Is it some form of control, humiliation, or other psychological need? Or is it that it happens accidentally. I know when I am cumming I can’t be sure where my feet are much less what I am clutching in my hand. I cum particularly hard most of the time, again not a bad thing.

ok I know I said one question but my mind tends to meander when I am writing and it meandered into a darker more volatile corner of my brain. Despite popular belief cum actually does not taste bad particularly if you pay attention to your “special friend’s” diet. Yes diet can change the taste guys stay away from the dairy if you want your beneficial friend to swallow your cum.

This brings me to the question: Why on earth would you cum on a girls face rather than inside her mouth particularly if she swallows?  I know the aesthetics to it. It is a strange form of art the way each arc makes a different pattern on a man or woman’s body. Definitely fascinating once in a while but not all the time. It is not particularly pleasant to wash cum out of my hair, my ears (don’t ask), my eyes, and inside my nose (again don’t ask how it happened because I will never tell a soul about ears and noses) Besides doesn’t cumming inside feel better rather than taking matters into your own hands (yeah yeah bad pun).

Ok one more question and I promise I will stop.

Am I missing something when I assume that guys know that pornography is on video with actors and actresses? It is not real. Well the sex is real but the acting isn’t. Actually some of the sex is real while others are more acting than fucking. The positions that they occasionally put both guys and girls in to fuck are all but physically impossible to maintain for any length of time. They don’t work, hurt like hell, and girls usually don’t appreciate being put in it. I am  not talking about BDSM just vanilla sex. I am also not going to bring up the number of people who are just bad at it because it could get me into trouble.

I see this in more women then men but there is more porn featuring women than me.  part of the reason why there are a lot of fucking scenes is because most people (not all) who are in videos can’t act. Don’t get me wrong I have seen really good acting in porn and really bad acting in porn but nothing in between.

Please take the time to answer these I really don’t understand them.

On a more sober note my Stepfather and the only father I ever knew died last week. He was at home with my mother and I and he was 86 years old. He was on hospice for an extended period of time…. again a topic for another post everything is way too raw right now. I am tired and sad, and happy all rolled up into one confused package.

lonely death

Strange sexual desires

I am redlining this for a reason. To all of my friends and family that may or may not be reading if you don’t like really strange and you don’t want to know things about me that are otherwise kept quiet. Come to think of it they should be kept quiet but I am going to put them here anyway. For anyone who reads this I have a question – is this too strange. Also I am on pretty much on a large amount of drugs that are supposed to make me sleep… Its quarter to four am here. Lot of good the sleep medication. All it did is make me thing about this and of course after the thought the crazy leaks out onto the page – well in this case the website.

Ok time for random strangeness.

I am a sexual creature by nature. I enjoy a vast variety of ways to play. Truth is despite my good catholic upbringing I love sex. Not just orgasm or the act itself but the sheer pleasure of being that close to someone. I will get there in a bit. First because this is rather odd – I enjoy watching gay men have sex specifically cumming and cumming hard. I don’t enjoy actually watching it. The part that I enjoy is hearing it. I am really not sure why. But it turns me on to no end which in the situation I am in is a very very bad thing. Not really bad just no viable release. Remember earlier when I said I love sex I meant to say I love sex with another person or a bunch of people. I love the type of sex where you have to count the feet and divide by two to see how many are participating. So I remain on edge and more than a little horny.

There is a bond that forms during sex. It isn’t permanent and may or may not exist after the act is completed. If that bond is there then good for you. If not move on, one night stands are not necessarily a bad thing and I have found myself saying goodbye right afterwards because I don’t want to see them in the morning… is this bad of me. Of course not I am a healthy adult with healthy desires or at least I hope they are.

As for me. I am searching for the one person who is willing to open their chest up for me and let me crawl in so that I never doubt that I am treasured. Not just loved but treasured. I want to lean up against his heart and feel it beating against my back while I count his ribs or the spots on his lungs to pass the time. I want to feel every bit of air stolen from me so that he can breath. I want to trace the lines of blood and bone with my fingers dipping it to it and hearing him gasp. I would be content in my cage made from flesh, bone, and muscle. Waiting. I want to be next to his heart so that I can run my hand along its ruby surface. Memorizing it.

Look closely it is a brilliant  photo
Look closely it is a brilliant photo

What is Known

I know that love is hate twisted around to suit a purpose. If one thing my current circumstance has taught me it is that it is better to die fast and young than it is to live. Now I know why so many people get into prostitution and drugs. Right now I think I would do just about anything to escape.

Two of the best escapes in the world rough sex and drugs. I think I will stick to the rough sex and in some ways would make a the perfect concubine. Not so much into the whole drug experience. Can’t really deal with anything that will make me lose my grip on reality any further. It is already slipping too far beyond my grasp. I know what things should be and I know what I should do I just can’t bring myself to do it.

It is funny that I find killing myself easier than living a relatively simple life. The voices are stronger than they ever have been in the past. They whisper to me telling me what I should do and what things should be like. I am sure I could step outside and find what they are asking for. Only the knowledge that if I start doing what they tell me to do I will be lost. Since when they start realizing I am paying attention to them they will get louder and never stop talking, commanding obedience

I will trap myself inside buried deep within and withdrawn from the rest of the world. I’ve done it before and the people around me looked  into my eyes and saw nothing there. I can function for a long time like that. My body is on autopilot. I will do what ever I am told. I am almost at the point that I will do anything to not feel anymore even if it means listening to the voices and letting them be in control for a while. It just scares people when they look at me and realize that at that moment they are staring at something without a soul.

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