Moral Calculus
It is funny that people respond more to the rehashed photos and sayings that I include rather than what I am actually saying. This happens here as well as in reality. What is really funny about the whole thing is my soul is being flayed alive in a parody of hell on earth. Don’t worry I don’t feel it anymore.
Not even the fact that I went from being relatively OK and dealing with it to a full blown psycho in the space of weeks seems to bother anyone. Maybe that’s because I hide well in every realm but here and the world that used to live inside my head. The true difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is that one doesn’t feel the difference between right and wrong and the other knows the difference and just doesn’t care. Which do you think I am becoming?
How long can a person not feel before they become amoral. Pain teaches us what to avoid or in my case what feels the best. It is how I cope with all of the other stuff sometimes through sex or on the edge of a knife. Without pain we don’t avoid the things we normally would. Yes, I am more than a little bit insane but I am good at seeing things for what they really are. I am above all else honest with myself and others to a fault. It gets me into trouble more often than not.
It is not that I don’t know it hurts others it is I just don’t care. I know that on some level I should and I once did but that was in the endless stretch of time that I fondly classify as before. What is really ironic is the same thing that makes me so ruthless as makes me more capable. Faster, harder, more calculating than I ever was even at my best. Most noticeable is that my aim is better and in speaking, writing, hunting, and fighting I am much sharper and everything is clearer now that I am not fettered by emotion or empathy. I sleep less, eat less, drink less, and am generally vibrating with adrenaline all the time. I can make practical logical choices despite the consequences to other people.
I am finding that there are a lot of things that are unneeded and most people do things that are just contrary all the time. Sometimes what I say is mistaken for malice but for the most part it is because I just don’t understand why it bothers them. I should and I am sure I used to but its just not there anymore. Is this better? If you look at it in terms of efficiency it seems so or would if it were not so very wrong. I could very easily become the killer that I always knew was inside me and is probably buried deep inside us all. I introduced myself to that particular darkness a long time ago. So here is the equation which is greater the need to kill or the fact that I used to think it was wrong even if I knew they deserved to die. Its simple math or it should be. Shouldn’t it?
I am watching, standing back as little bits of my soul are flayed and have long since given up praying for it to stop. I can hear the bits that once made me who I am shrieking in pain as they are torn, shredded and tortured until there is nothing left and I have to admit its beautiful, much like pain is, or the razors edge is.
I know the damage I do to myself is viewed as wrong but I don’t care
I know that I am just wrong and have gone so far from OK that even I can see it but I can’t seem to bring myself to care
I know that what I am thinking probably enough to get me locked up or worse but it doesn’t bother me anymore
It probably should
I know that I am searching for something but I don’t know what or what will happen when I find it
I know I crossed a line somewhere and I did it on purpose and I don’t care that I did
I know after they tried to help I became different, something new and they didn’t care
They played in my head once too often, their own private sandbox, prodding because I am an unusual case, tearing things up with their clumsy fumbling. They thought they were helping, making me face something without realizing that I already had. Never thinking that it would turn me into something dark, desperate, and hungry. It isn’t facing something that’s the issue I already knew what was down there. They just let it out. I would say god help me but god help them is more appropriate.
Who Am I?
I saw this and realized that no one will ever respond to me like this. It is still a beautiful story. For those who don’t know she is talking about Peter Pan at Disney.
The most twisted ridiculous conversation possible… Yeah I am completely crazy
This is a quoted conversation from my ex who I am going to actually have to evict – I am WAY too nice.
It is important to note that I never once cried over this break up. I never once felt sorry that I no longer wanted a life with him. Most of all I was as nice as possible, let him live in my home, and tried to be his friend. He moved out for a long while lived with two other people and a condition of letting him come back and stay for a while so he wouldn’t be homeless was that he get a job (he hasn’t for 5 or 6 years now) and he leave when I asked him among other things.
3:05:33 AM killingdanse: Hey you awake?
3:15:29 AM pinebrk: barely whats up
3:15:49 AM killingdanse: Everything go all right (I paid 225 dollars to send him to a court appearance so he would not get arrested)
3:18:07 AM pinebrk: yes i paid the cab fare and worked on the car i have here did the brakes and now i have to change out the power steering pump and the front main seal
3:18:37 AM pinebrk: thank you for helping me
3:19:02 AM
pinebrk: tired long day
3:19:14 AM killingdanse: Ok I understand you need the money but you are NOT turning my home into a garage
3:19:34 AM pinebrk: im woorking on one car ok
3:19:44 AM pinebrk: dont get me riled now
3:19:54 AM killingdanse: LOL
3:20:41 AM killingdanse: I am getting rid of dead weight in my life and unless you want to join the people who belong to that group I would ask that you tread carefully (really don’t want to leave him homeless)
3:21:33 AM pinebrk: well according to you im already there
3:22:00 AM killingdanse: You are really close
3:22:44 AM killingdanse: So simple ground rules assuming you want to have a home until I get back
3:22:56 AM pinebrk: k im just trying to get it si i dont go to jail i already have 140 of the 5 hun put up as of right now ( he needs 500 by september to keep him out of jail)
3:23:45 AM killingdanse: Will you be ok with keeping that and not spending it if it is there?
3:25:07 AM pinebrk: i still have 250 coming and then i will give it to you cause if i have it and need it i will spend it
3:25:57 AM killingdanse: That is why I asked
3:26:04 AM pinebrk: im sorry im just being honest
3:26:15 AM killingdanse: I know you that is why I asked remember
3:26:48 AM killingdanse: I understand I am similar which is why I have my account set up the way I do
3:27:05 AM pinebrk: so what is it thatyou are asking me to do
3:28:05 AM killingdanse: Not asking you to do it (doing it is up to you) asking you if you wanted me to put it up so you couldn’t spend it until you had the 500 and paid the court ( At this point I am offering to help him)
3:32:10 AM killingdanse: Are you still there
3:32:22 AM pinebrk: yes im here
3:32:49 AM pinebrk: and i guess i fucked up 2nite i spent some money
3:33:24 AM killingdanse: Look I don’t care what you do with your money
3:34:05 AM killingdanse: I know you are not working and I know you can’t pay rent (a fact which drives me crazy and I wish you could pay your own bills) but it is life (I have been paying his bills for years now again I just didn’t want him to be homeless)
3:34:18 AM pinebrk: tell me if i was wrong for buying what i did
3:34:39 AM killingdanse: I have no idea what you bought nor do I care at this moment
3:34:53 AM pinebrk: k ill talk to you lateer
3:35:09 AM killingdanse: Sigh
3:35:18 AM killingdanse: wtf are you talking about
3:35:45 AM pinebrk: i guess nothing you dont care
3:36:39 AM killingdanse: Unless they are cigarettes and you are sitting there smoking in my house I really don’t care what you spent money on… sorry but if you expected me to be upset I just don’t have it in me
3:37:18 AM pinebrk: it wasnt cigs
3:37:33 AM killingdanse: Ok then I don’t see why we are discussing it
3:38:17 AM pinebrk: i just wanted to see if what i bought was justified in your eyes
3:38:28 AM killingdanse: They why didn’t you just ask
3:38:43 AM killingdanse: Can’t tell you if it is justified because I don’t know what it is
3:39:26 AM killingdanse: and the whole reason why I wanted to talk to you tonight is what is going to happen in the near future
3:39:29 AM pinebrk: i went out and bought me a new pair of boots and a bag of socks
3:39:49 AM pinebrk: what is going to happen
3:40:16 AM killingdanse: Through a contractor or through you the house is going to be changing (Doesn’t work out any cheaper but just justifies letting him stay – I know I am psychotic)
3:40:55 AM killingdanse: Whether or not you stay is up to you following a few ground rules because I literally can’t take it if you don’t
3:49:19 AM killingdanse: sigh
3:51:13 AM pinebrk: i want to stay and whqat ruules
3:51:39 AM killingdanse: If I catch you smoking in the house or it smells like smoke when I get up there both of you are out (Don’t mind if people smoke, don’t mind smokers, don’t mind if he smokes outside, can’t stand the smell in my house)
3:52:09 AM killingdanse: If I have you do the work and you don
3:52:40 AM
killingdanse: don’t finish it by the time we agree on (barring something unusual happening such as a job sickness etc)
3:53:01 AM killingdanse: 1st time you don’t get paid – second time you are moving
3:53:46 AM killingdanse: If I hear you calling me your girlfriend or someone else tells me that you said it I will flip the fuck out
3:54:10 AM killingdanse: (My recent history in a mental ward is pretty much proof of exactly how close to an edge I am) (I actually feel myself falling and after this conversation my chest hurt and I was short of breath)
3:54:33 AM pinebrk: well then you better flip ythe fuck out (Yes he really just said he doesn’t care if I end up in a hospital mental or otherwise HOLY SHIT)
3:54:43 AM pinebrk: im going mto bed night
3:56:39 AM killingdanse: I see exactly how much you care for my well being and expect to be leaving shortly
3:57:21 AM killingdanse: What you just told me is that you don’t give a shit about me and that certainly doesn’t make me want to be anywhere near you much less date you (Just in case he didn’t mean or understand what he just said)
4:10:54 AM killingdanse: I am so not playing this game with you
4:10:58 AM pinebrk: no you dont se i care all to much for you and your well being and im not going anywhere
4:11:24 AM killingdanse: You will go if you do not agree… you may not like going but you will go then you will be without a place to live
4:11:37 AMkillingdanse: without any chance of getting anywhere near me again
4:12:35 AM killingdanse: I told you I am on edge and I am done with the three year old bs games with my home, a home you promised that you would leave if I asked you to
4:13:05 AM
killingdanse: a promise which you broke and I am done playing around with you
4:13:14 AM killingdanse: I broke up with you YEARS ago
Yes, I am well aware that I hurt myself by being nice and I should have done this years ago but I honestly have issues with evicting someone who is going to be homeless… or I did until this happened. I still cannot believe he would rather have me sick, upset, hurting, and a variety of other things because he won’t follow those rules. I am stunned. He would rather hurt me…
Okay so I am confounded and admittedly completely insane. He’s not a horrible guy well I didn’t think he was horrible until I found out after everything that I did for him he would rather see me hurt, broken, and sick… Holy Shit. It is really too bad that this isn’t joking.
Roses, Thorns, and the Dark
I don’t remember coming here inside myself, wait, actually I do remember. I don’t want to remember but I do and I know why. I don’t worry about the strangeness of the thoughts in my head as I run my hand over the black bars of my cage. I belong here and in some ways it is the only place that I belong. My heart still flutters painfully in my chest although I distinctly remember ripping it out a time or two, Or was it ripped from me. I shake my head my shaggy never perfect hair falls around my shoulders in confusion as I remember the crackling pop of ribs as a hand stretches them apart to dig at the soft tissue underneath. It is a wonder I still draw breath. The strange feeling of my lung being pushed aside so that you could get to the most vital part of me. Your hands are warm as they grasp it, somehow I didn’t expect them to be warm. The tugging sensation makes me shiver as its connections are severed and you begin to withdraw. The sliding sensation is all pleasure and pain wrapped up like a Christmas gift, tied with a particularly visceral bow.
On the Edge of a Blade
My eyes slip closed and my head slips back with a soft thump against the concrete wall. I keep my eyes closed knowing all to well what I will see it is what my body feels right now. I want to open my mouth and say something, anything. I begin to make a sound and his large calloused hand clamps over my mouth sealing it. He leans in close to me, his breath warm against my ear and whisper “Don’t make a sound.” As if I could my mind reels the oxygen deprivation quickly becoming apparent. The bulge against my thigh grows a bit bigger as he rubs it against me. I shiver excitement and fear warring in my brain. I am certain that he can feel my heart pound through the thin t-shirt that I have on. The slowly moves off of my mouth and nose giving me a split second to gasp precious oxygen.
While I am still gasping for breath a forearm is slammed into my throat pinning me to the concrete wall behind me. The rough brick pushes painfully into my back and the forearm is crushing my ability to breath. The pressure of it keeps me pinned on the tips of my toes. If I don’t strain to touch the ground my feet would be off the floor and I would hang there in his grip choking. I feel him fumbling with something between us and realize suddenly that he is unbuckling his belt and trousers. His other hand reaches completely up under my skirt. I gasp as his rough fingers brush my over sensitive lips. He tilts his head up to look at me raising an eyebrow quizzically.
“Expecting someone?” He whispers so close to my ear that it is all I can do to not to lean into him. I shake my head my eyes going wide because I went without panties on a dare from a friend. His hand roams across my bare ass and gently caresses the folds of my lips, teasing me. I arch my back trying to get more contact between me and his had, my fear fading as quickly it began. He cupped his hand and slowly curled one finger against the most sensitive part of me. I turn my head away pushing my cheek against the brick at this violation and that my body is responding to it so enthusiastically. His newly freed cock twitches in excitement as it slides against my bare thigh. The silky and smooth skin makes me shudder in what could only be termed anticipation. I lean my head back pushing my body closer to that silken warmth. My eyes flutter closed as his fingers trace lazy circles around my clit making me want to scream, I barely notice a flash of sliver on the edge of my vision.
Anywhere but here
I am wondering if this is a precursor to the end. No one cares – I am pretty much done with my pathetic little life. I wonder daily where I can go where “young woman raped and murdered,” would be the most likely news headline. Granted I hope it would say young author raped and murdered but I don’t think I can write anymore. I used to be able to I used to publish my work. It all works towards the fact that I am way too screwed up to be alive. I tried I really did. I can’t do it. Out of memory out of words out of time. I tried, I really did. They didn’t care… if they only would understand.
I am doing the best that I can. It is never good enough. Nothing is. I will always end up like this with something in my head screaming that it is time to get out. What honestly does it take to get someone to come and kill you. There are enough murderers out there. Why can’t one of them find me and just take me out. I don’t mind if you want to kill do so if you want to torture and maim do it…. just let me go.
Screaming Infinity, It was Bound to Happen
What is the next rush? When is the next time? When will I feel like this again? I sit and wait for it knowing that the next rush is right around the corner. I am trapped lately though. Stuck on the merry go round that just won’t stop and let me off. The cats chase the horses round and round until the spinning goes to my head and my eyes roll back. I doubt there is someone who can actually make my eyes roll back in my head but it is good to dream and it is the only time that I feel absolute freedom and hope.
I am not sure if I am tired because I am pushing myself or if I push myself because I am tired and hurts so bad that I can’t scream once because I will never stop. The truth is I guess I am just tired. I want to know that the things that I believe in are real but there is no proof. I don’t want to say that I won’t take anything on faith but I know too many people suffering right now. I know to many people screaming for death or screaming for life to take things on simple faith.
I explained the problem with me once before and I don’t think they quite got it. I am not right, there is something about me that screams when I try to be normal. When I don’t scream it drives me mad. “Down the rabbit hole Alice” A large part of me is dying slowly while the rest of me just hasn’t caught up yet. I could love but am no longer sure what that is in some ways I don’t think I ever did. The ones who I loved are all gone now and I am by myself in a house filled with people. If their kind of love is what brought me to this point then I am not sure I want to know what love is.
Ever see what is going to happen before it does?
Remember the blog post on things that cannot be unseen… yeah I live in that dark and sweaty world. It is extremely disconcerting because there is nothing that is comfortable about a juxapostian.
Not OK
He said he would love me but was scared of the 1% of the time I was crazy. So he doesnt want me. Why does that bother me? Because I don’t want me. No one does.
Obsecro, mihi facultas videndi Deum angelis et demonibus – da mihi aliter vive – contra – O facultatem ad me, et audite obsecro ut interficias me, et pugnate pro eis vel.
Dieu s’il vous plaît me donner la possibilité de voir vos anges et les démons – me montrer une autre façon de vivre – lutter – s’il vous plaît m’aider et me donner la possibilité de voir et entendre les aider ou s’il vous plaît me tuer.
Gott gib mir bitte die Möglichkeit, Ihren Engel und Teufel zu sehen – zeigen Sie mir eine andere Art zu leben – zu kämpfen – bitte helfen Sie mir und geben mir die Fähigkeit zu hören und ihnen helfen, oder bitte töte mich zu sehen.
Ο Θεός παρακαλώ να μου δώσετε τη δυνατότητα να βλέπουν αγγέλους και διαβόλους σας – δείξτε μου έναν διαφορετικό τρόπο για να ζήσουν – για την καταπολέμηση της – παρακαλώ να με βοηθήσει και να μου δώσει τη δυνατότητα να δει ακούσει και να τους βοηθήσει ή μπορείτε να με σκοτώσει.
الله من فضلك أعطني القدرة على رؤية الملائكة والشياطين الخاص – تبين لي طريقة مختلفة للعيش – لمحاربة – الرجاء مساعدتي وتعطيني القدرة على رؤية نسمع ومساعدتهم أو يرجى قتلي.
يرجى قتلي.
मुझे मार दें.
obsecro ut interficias me.
Daemonum vel angelorum videbo interficere
Deo placere percusserit me. Tolle quaeso mihi in amplexus tuos æternam. Adiuva me, etiam si mortuus est, ut moriatur ibi conjunctio lucifer. Vociferabor ad te opem. Non ego sum, da mihi amet sit. Eorum claritatem in videam bonum et malum
Quare non occidas me, aut moriar
Can't Sleep Clowns Will Eat Me 