To my regular readers this will not make sense but it is something that I have to get out. There is more to it than this but as always I find myself trying to explain a feeling to someone who won’t read this. Sometimes I just have to let the crazy spill out onto the page.
You looked at me strangely when I said that I knew already. You were my cat, my beautiful one that I could never hope to touch. I am pathetically grateful that you let me in your life at all even if it was for a short period of time. I see past the front that you present. I already knew that I didn’t deserve to be anywhere near you.
I could watch you move for hours, doing even the simplest of things. I could study you memorizing the movement of muscle underneath skin. I am sad that I thought for a second that I could share your light even though I knew I couldn’t. I might have given you anything even though I knew you would never ask. I knew you could never want me, the strange little girl that was uncomfortable in her own skin. I was sweet and innocent in thinking that you would ever want me.
You never realized that I didn’t want anything from you. I would have been content for you to use me in any way that you wished. I would have taken anything that you felt like giving even if it was just a moment to relieve the boredom. I look at you and don’t understand how you could not know what you are. You just don’t see yourself as I do.
I asked you once what you wanted. It is unfortunate that you said nothing, it wouldn’t bother me as much if you wanted something anything. Yes I know it is pathetic. You were different and you don’t see it. Not that I think you could ever want me. I offered but I don’t think that you realized that I offered everything asking for nothing in return. You discarded me which was all right and okay. You will never know because I can’t tell you, you would scoff and laugh at me. I watched you for so long and every once in a while you let me into your world.
I let you spoil what was me. I let you teach me and when I took to what you were teaching I think I might have scared you. Then when I saw you again so many years later I was surprised that you thought you saw me more than you did. I was surprised that you even wanted anything from me. I would have been content to watch you work or draw or breath. You never realized the entire time I was watching you and happy just to do that. I am fascinated by the way that you move, the ripple of muscles underneath skin. I could watch you for hours.
But you will never know that. I really just want to know you, to be there for you, to be a friend, or to know what you want even if it is nothing. I know this doesn’t make sense and that you will never read it. I don’t think you know what it is like not to want anything from someone except to feel, watch, and protect.
We never talked about what I am and you never knew that I can feel you. Not just when I reach out and brush the warm of your body, feeding off it but all of the mood changes when you are near. Being this close would hurt if I didn’t except who you were and the fact that hurt is what you do so well.
Know that I have never met anyone as beautiful as you. With rare exception I have never been drawn to touch someone as I am you. I know it doesn’t make sense but you quiet the voices in my head. They are calm and peaceful around you. I don’t know what it is about you but you make me react.
I was so young when I first touched you, I knew nothing of what I am. It left an impression a connection I am not sure how. No one has ever left that mark on me so completely. I knew I was never good enough for you just as I knew that my darkness would just spoil your light even if I just wanted to sit and watch you for just a little while. What is said is that you will never read this and I will be mad long before I have the courage to tell you.